Being an influencer is so last decade. I mean, if you’re still peddling overpriced smoothies on Instagram and pretending that every sunrise is a spiritual awakening, you’re practically living in the digital dark ages.
Who even has time for mere “influencing” when the real power lies in being something far more evolved, more profound, and definitely more pretentious?
Welcome to the new era of self-importance, where it’s not enough to just influence—oh no—you must lead, instigate, supervise, and curate.
Gone are the days of unboxing videos and #OOTD. What you really need to become is one (or all) of the following:
- Thought Leader
Forget influencing; you should be leading minds, orchestrating groundbreaking ideas like “Should I make my fidget spinner my new life coach?” or “Is gluten just a metaphor for societal constraints?”
As a Thought Leader, it’s your job to publicly contemplate topics that no one asked about, while using words like “surreal,” “lethality” and “holistic,” ideally all in one sentence.
- Cultural Instigator
Not enough to observe the culture—oh no, you must instigate it. Wear Crocs with formal wear, drink espresso from a mason jar, produce a documentary about The Secret Life of Street Signs.
Your job is to trigger cultural movements so baffling that people have no choice but to follow, lest they be left behind in the graveyard of relevance.
It’s not about starting a conversation; it’s about making everyone think they missed one.
- Digital Storyteller
Forget posting photos of your lunch. You’re here to tell a story about your lunch, weaving a narrative that turns your quinoa salad into a journey of self-discovery.
You’re not just eating—you’re experiencing, and every experience is an Oscar-worthy performance of self-awareness and connection.
You are a walking talking docudrama.
- Feelings Supervisor
Let’s face it: in today’s world, people can’t be trusted to manage their own emotions. That’s where you, the Feelings Supervisor, come in.
As a certified expert in overseeing every flicker of joy, sorrow, or existential dread, your role is to make sure everyone feels appropriately according to the mood of the moment.
Sad about a news article? Not on your watch—you’ll be there with the perfect GIF to nudge their grief into something more constructive.
- Lifestyle Engineer
It’s not enough to show people how to live anymore; you must engineer their entire existence.
From how to fold towels to the correct way to meditate while standing on one leg, you are the architect of their daily habits.
Your followers don’t just want advice—they want the blueprints to a life they can’t afford to build.
- Social Architect
While others merely engage in conversations, you are the Social Architect, designing interactions that push society toward… something. You’re not entirely sure what, but it sounds important.
Using phrases like “restructuring interpersonal dynamics” and “building emotional frameworks,” you’re essentially just making Zoom calls more complex than they need to be.
- Mindset Technician
You don’t just build a world, you are the world where good vibes are king. The Mindset Technician is here to tweak, optimize, and recalibrate everyone’s thoughts until they’re perfectly aligned with today’s trending affirmations.
You can troubleshoot any pessimistic outlook with a series of “You’ve got this!” and “Manifest that success!” posts.
You’re like a life coach, but with a focus on selling T-shirts and bumper stickers.
- Gastronomic Virtuoso
Food bloggers? Please. You, my friend, are a Gastronomic Virtuoso. You don’t eat for survival, pleasure, or even sustenance—you eat for the art of it.
Every bite of your artisanal toast is an act of rebellion against mass-produced snacks. You’ll educate the masses on the importance of eating exclusively locally foraged edible flowers, even if it means they starve during winter.
- Wellness Scribe
You’re not just about “wellness.” No, you scribe the very essence of wellness. From jotting down your 2am thoughts about the toxicity of blue light to journaling about the soul-crushing weight of a pizza induced dream.
Your words aren’t just words. They are sacred texts, transcribed from the heavens (or your standing desk).
- Eco-Conscious Conductor
Sustainability is passe. As the Eco-Conscious Conductor, your role is to orchestrate a world where nothing goes to waste, including your opinions.
Whether it’s a minimalist capsule wardrobe that consists of one ethically-sourced sock or repurposing K-Cups into a statement chandelier, you are leading the charge toward a world where every item has infinite meaning—and infinite Instagrammability.
Basically my friend, if you’re still out there trying to be an influencer in 2024, you’re a digital caveman.
So grab your reusable bamboo megaphone and start instigating, supervising, engineering, and conducting your way into cultural dominance.
After all, we’re all just one inspirational quote away from changing the world—or at least getting someone to change their coffee order.