Psychologists often advise parents on the phrases to avoid saying to their children—especially the oldest ones. And while that advice is important, let’s shift gears and talk about the things you should say to your oldest, youngest, or even middle child.
These might not be found in any parenting book, but sometimes, the craziest sentences are exactly what needs to be said.
“Marshmallows are for eating, not catapulting at your brother.”
– Food fights may be a childhood rite of passage, but they’re not part of a balanced diet.
“You are not allowed to paint your sister with a permanent marker, even if it is in the name of art.”
– Artistic expression is encouraged, just not at the expense of your sibling’s skin.
“No using one of your siblings as an umbrella.”
– Sibling rivalry is one thing, but turning your little brother into a makeshift rain shield? That’s a hard no.
“You cannot hold a junior UFC event in the backyard.”
– As tempting as it is to let them sort out their differences with a good old-fashioned cage fight, the neighbors might not appreciate the spectacle.
“No, you cannot train the cat to attack intruders.”
– As fun as it sounds, the family feline is not a security system.
“No, you cannot dig a tunnel to China in the backyard.”
– Encouraging curiosity is great, but let’s leave the international travel plans to the professionals.
“Just because you saw it on YouTube doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”
– The internet is full of fascinating things, many of which should never be tried at home—or anywhere else.
“We have a perfectly good stove inside. Please stop trying to fry eggs on the hood of my car.”
– Science experiments are fantastic, but safety first, always.
“I don’t care if the limo is outside, you will finish your homework before you go on tour with Olivia Rodrigo.”
– Stardom can wait; algebra cannot.
“Sweetheart, I’m very proud of you for building one with assistance from AI, but please put down the flamethrower.”
– Nothing says “I love you” quite like saving your home from becoming an inferno.
“While you live under my roof, you will not crush beer cans against your skull.”
– There’s nothing like a parental ban on reckless behavior to keep the peace—and the concussions—to a minimum.
“Just because you cleaned your room doesn’t mean you can be a contestant on “Love Island”.”
– Reality TV has its place, and it’s not on the list of chores.
Parenting means embracing the unexpected and occasionally having to utter sentences you never thought would leave your lips. While these lines may sound absurd, they’re all part of the wild, wonderful experience of raising children.
So the next time you find yourself saying something like, “Put down the flamethrower,” remember—you’re not alone in this crazy journey.