Dear Rotten Tomatoes,
I know you’re just an aggregate site, collecting opinions from all those certified critics like a cat collects hairballs.
But could you do me a favor?
Kindly tell your esteemed critics to keep their oh-so-valuable opinions to themselves.
No offense, but I haven’t listened to a critic’s opinion in 40 years, and somehow, I’ve managed to survive without losing my taste in movies—or my sanity!
Here’s the thing: far too many people wander this planet thinking that just because they can form an opinion, the rest of us are obligated to bow down and follow it.
It’s as if they believe their thoughts are so profound, we should drop our popcorn and applaud their genius.
“This is Certified Fresh,” they declare, like they’re awarding an Oscar.
Sorry, I don’t need anyone’s approval to enjoy the cinematic brilliance of The Postman.
Yes, I said it.
The Postman. Kevin Costner. Three hours. Loved every second!
I prefer to let my eyes, my popcorn, and that mysterious theater magic decide whether I’ll love a movie.
Certified Fresh? More like Certified Who Cares. What’s “fresh” to some is “stale” to others.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve laughed, cried, and cheered my way through a “rotten” movie that your critics wouldn’t even stoop to sniff.
Let me give you a few examples:
What a Way to Go!—Shirley MacLaine surrounded by every leading man in Hollywood at the time. A timeless, silly masterpiece. Your critics clearly missed the memo on fun.
The In-Laws—Peter Falk and Alan Arkin are comedy gold. Hilarious from start to finish. Did the critics even watch it? Or were they too busy drafting their “hot takes”?
Red Dawn (1984)—low score? Really? It’s got action, a great cast, patriotism, and Wolverines! What’s not to love?
Running Scared—Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines were too cool for your critics, apparently. This one is an underrated comedy-action gem!
And then there’s Demolition Man. Stallone, Bullock, and Snipes all in one movie? That cast alone deserves a perfect score. Yet, you gave it a 65? Blasphemy!
The Bone Collector—Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie? Together? That’s an 80 minimum, no questions asked.
Virtuosity—Denzel and Russell Crowe made sci-fi madness into pure entertainment. Rotten? Please. It’s a blast from start to finish!
So, while I appreciate what you’re doing—compiling the good, the bad, and the ugly into one neat little tomato package—maybe remind your critics that some of us don’t need their approval to enjoy a movie.
We don’t need their clever commentary.
We don’t need their score.
Honestly, we don’t even need them.
Some of us just want to revel in the joy of cinema, even if that means loving the “overripe” movies they love to hate.
Sincerely,
A Rotten Tomato who likes their movies extra squishy (and refuses to take directions from anyone who doesn’t share my popcorn budget)
