Jurassic World Rebirth: Glorious Vengeance Unleashed by Carnivore Justice – Chemtrails of Desire 6
SATIRE DISCLAIMER
The following is a work of satire intended to parody pop culture commentary, accountability trends, and the growing demand for cathartic justice in digital form.
We do not support feeding people to dinosaurs—unless they’re very existence just annoys the hell out of everyone.
GERTIE: Did you see Jurassic World Rebirth? I mean, Martin got eaten mid-monologue about vertical farming. That was cinematic therapy. Like a weighted blanket for the soul.
RANDY: Nina got hers too. The entire theater cheered. Like we all agreed—some people just need to be eaten by dinosaurs. Not debated. Not counseled. Just digested.
GERTIE: And not in a mean way. In a spiritual cleanse kind of way. Wacky Benny said something about this on his pirate broadcast last week.
RANDY: You mean the one that cut into the weather feed with dinosaur growling and a blurry GIF of Bobby screaming?
[STATIC INTERRUPTS]
WACKY BENNY (crackling in): I didn’t say we should feed people to dinosaurs. I said: “If you refuse to contribute positively to the collective, then perhaps you should meet the collective’s prehistoric representative.”
GERTIE: Oh, he’s here! Benny, this Jurassic World Rebirth stuff has people fired up. You accidentally started a movement.
RANDY: Or a diet. Hard to tell.
BENNY: Accidental? Please. I’ve been beta-testing an app: Eat the Losers™. It’s a virtual dinosaur justice simulator.
You vote/wager, the app chooses, and a 3D rendering of society’s most irritating gets chased through a digital jungle by a hungry raptor.
All proceeds go to public school funding. And maybe a few community therapists.
RANDY: So wait, it’s like pay-per-view judgment?
BENNY: Exactly. It’s democracy, with teeth. And sponsorship deals.
[SPORTS-THEMED JINGLE PLAYS]
JACK: Sorry to interrupt, but we heard “pay-per-view” and couldn’t stay away. We were literally born for this.
GRACIE: Jurassic World Rebirth broke half a billion dollars because people love to see annoying characters get what they deserve. Why not give them the playoffs version?
JACK: Eight-seed bracket. Elimination rounds. Finalist gets chased by a T. rex through a fake congressional hearing. Or a TED Talk.
GRACIE: We could do color commentary. “Oooh, and Martin trips over his own talking points. Raptor’s closing in! This is democracy in motion!”
JACK: Come to think of it, if you’re gonna offer wagering, you’ve gotta include bets like: are they devoured feet first or head first. Then you can set the over/under—does the first bite land above or below the waist.
[MYSTICAL WIND CHIMES SOUND EFFECT]
AURORA: This is karmically aligned. The Mars-Pluto conjunction in Capricorn, amplified by Jurassic World Rebirth’s cultural resonance, makes this an ideal moment for carnivore-based reckoning. Divine timing is everything.
RANDY: Are you saying dinosaurs are spiritual now?
AURORA: All carnivores are symbols of ego destruction. Especially when rendered in 4K.
And when Nina’s scream harmonizes with the crystal bowl frequencies?
Transcendent.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN — FOOTSTEPS]
REX (corporate voice): Hello, all. Our research shows that anytime a character gets eaten in Jurassic World Rebirth, audience engagement spikes 63%.
We’re developing branded sponsorships. Think: “Eat the Losers™ presented by Chew™ Energy Gel.”
BENNY: Chew™? The one with the radioactive berry flavor?
REX: Only mildly mutagenic. Focus groups love it. They say it tastes like danger and regret.
GERTIE: So let me get this straight: We stream virtual executions, fund real-world causes, and finally give people closure on that guy who made their entire Zoom call about his kale cleanse?
GRACIE: That’s progress. That’s justice. That’s, Jurassic World Rebirth meets American Gladiators with a moral backbone.
JACK: Coming this fall: Escape the Raptors: Influencer Island.
AURORA: Mercury retrograde will ensure no one escapes.
REX: We’ll have tiered pricing. Extra $5 to upgrade to Brutal Crunch Mode™. Or $9.99 for the family-friendly “just a nibble” edition.
BENNY: Plus collectible NFTs of the moment Nina gets hurled into a lava pit like yesterday’s clickbait. With a bonus Screech Loop.
RANDY: Okay, okay, but seriously… is this legal?
[SILENCE]
BENNY: Not yet.
GERTIE: That’s why we’re launching the beta in international waters. Welcome to Season 1 of Eat the Losers™. Streaming now… probably.
Key Moments Sponsored by Jurassic World Rebirth
Where justice is wild, judgment is toothy, and Nina gets eaten every time. Just how we like it.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
