Chair Position: Ravishingly Irresistible, Naughty Assertive or Tantalizingly Relentless? Sandy & Polly 12 – The Late-Night Special
SATIRE DISCLAIMER
The following is a work of satire intended to parody modern media obsession with trends, intimacy advice, and content that makes you think, “Is this really journalism, or just yoga with a side of suggestiveness?”
If you’ve ever blamed a pulled hamstring on “trying something new,” this one’s for you.
Working Title – “That’s Not What the Recliner Was Built For”
POLLY (scrolling with a smirk): “Okay, okay, stop everything. I just found this article, Sandy. It’s titled—wait for it—‘Chair Sex Positions You Should Try Tonight.’
I didn’t know furniture intimacy was having a moment, but apparently, the humble office chair is the new hero of your bedroom routine.”
SANDY (adjusting her readers): “Oh dear. First it was standing desks, now it’s straddling stools with intention? I just got comfortable sitting again after that yoga class in 2018.”
POLLY: “No, but listen to this. There are names! One of them is called the ‘rocking chair’—and not in a grandma way. It’s all about rhythm and core control. Like CrossFit meets courtship.”
SANDY: “I’m sorry, but if a chair position requires core strength, I need a waiver. Also, what kind of chair are we talking about here? A barstool? A throne? An IKEA special that gives up if you sneeze too hard?”
POLLY: “They recommend something sturdy. And ergonomic. One article even mentioned lumbar support as essential for modern intimacy. Apparently, comfort is sexy now.”
SANDY: “Well then, call Cornelius. He’s been lobbying for lumbar love for decades.”
CORNELIUS (wandering in with herbal tea): “When I was your age, I didn’t need to stretch this much for affection.
We just sat on the couch and hoped something magical would happen. Now it’s all ‘reverse ottoman’ and ‘swivel seduction.’
Do we have to go with chair positions? My hamstrings are sending me hate mail.”
POLLY: “But Corny Baby, these new chair positions are all about intention. It’s not just sitting—it’s curated seating.
That’s modern intimacy. You’ve got to own your ergonomic experience.”
NOVA (breezing in wearing knee pads and confidence): “I’ve tried three of these chair positions, and I can confirm: you’ll want to stretch first, hydrate, and maybe notify your next of kin.”
SANDY: “Wait, is there a beginner’s guide? Because I’ve got one good knee and a suspicious recliner that groans when I reach for the remote.”
POLLY: “There’s a whole breakdown. Chair position #1 is the ‘Sit and Straddle’—basically a boardroom meeting with benefits.
Chair position #2 is the ‘Lap Lounge,’ which sounds romantic until you remember one of you has sciatica.”
CORNELIUS: “What’s chair position #3 called ‘Increase Your Medical Coverage’?
I miss the days when intimacy didn’t require choreography. We used to just kiss. Now it’s all about angles, timing, and furniture with weight limits.”
NOVA: “Times change, Corny. This is just the evolution of the bedroom routine. You say missionary, we say mission statement. With an adjustable base.”
CORNELIUS: Unfortunately Nova I left my wheelbarrow in the shed years ago.
SANDY: “Maybe we just skip the chair positions and drink some good strong coffee and read erotic poetry out loud. At least that’s low-impact.”
POLLY: “That’s the true late-night special. Intimacy for the emotionally aware and physically cautious.”
CORNELIUS (raising his mug): “To chair positions and modern intimacy: may your joints be flexible, your imaginations fertile and your furniture never creak in judgment.”
Tonight’s takeaways:
Chair positions are apparently part of the new bedroom routine.
Not all furniture is emotionally ready for this level of commitment.
Stretch, sip coffee, and never underestimate the power of well-timed poetry.
Up next on Now Watching: Nova explains her Chair Positions playlist, Sandy rethinks her recliner, and Polly pitches a new dating app called Sit & Commit.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
