🎥 The World’s Greatest Murder Mystery at Informer.Digital – Episode 1: The LaCroix Files
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the media’s never-ending obsession with murder mysteries, true crime, and pretending every unsolved latte order is part of a vast conspiracy.
From Sherlock Holmes to Jessica Fletcher to Only Murders in the Building, people have always loved solving crimes—especially when they’re not real, have no body, no motive, and possibly no victim.
This story mocks the way modern media treats every minor absence like a docuseries waiting to happen.
If you’ve ever binge-watched a true crime show and shouted “That neighbor knows something!” without moving off your couch, you’re in good company here.
No one at Informer.Digital is a detective.
They just really want to be.
That’s the joke.
No Body. No Crime. No Lunch Cup. No Justice.
POLLY (camera on, solemn): We’ve lost one of our own.
Vanished. No trace. No lunchbox. No lukewarm coffee cup.
Just… silence.
SANDY (walking into frame holding half-eaten pastry): Okay, Polly, pump the brakes.
All we know for sure is that Larry “Gidget” Moondoggie—yeah, that’s his name—hasn’t been here for a few days.
Maybe he’s on PTO. Maybe he rage-quit after the Broth Council reassignment. Or maybe he got stuck in the HR onboarding loop again. You remember what that did to Dennis.
POLLY (stiffens): No, Sandy. This isn’t “he forgot his badge.” This is different.
He’s been whacked.
SANDY (mouth full, puzzled): Whacked?
Did you just say whacked?
Since when are you in the mob, Polly?
Were you made over the weekend while I was out of town?
Are you gonna start calling the interns “cousins” and talking about taking people for a ride?
POLLY (leaning in): You can mock me if you want, but I’ve been watching season five of Mindhunter in my dreams—all the signs are there.
One: Gidget never misses Taco Tuesday.
SANDY: It’s only Monday.
POLLY: Two: He left his lanyard—his lanyard, Sandy!
Three: I found an empty LaCroix can under his desk. That man drank Spindrift.
SANDY: I think the real crime is how many hours of your life you’ve given to beverage-based profiling.
POLLY: Oh, we’re profiling now. Because justice needs a profile.
This isn’t a disappearance. This is a full-on murder mystery.
SANDY: Oh come on…
(Suddenly, JACK MAVERICK enters awkwardly into frame.)
JACK: Uh, I thought I just saw Larry in the north hallway.
He was hurrying past with a tote bag in each hand—same sneakers.
That was, like, yesterday afternoon?
POLLY: No. He’s been gone three days.
No one’s clocked him.
That tote bag could belong to anyone.
Look at this— (holds up a single cold-brew can cover) —an empty cup where his always-coffee sat.
SANDY: Polly, I saw him near the copy machine on Friday—but then again, I also thought a chair spontaneously rolled away. I may be hallucinating.
AURORA: Actually we have a poltergeist so that explains the chair.
POLLY: No it doesn’t!
We’re circling our own tails in a classic office-based murder mystery.
And I swear, if Central Command doesn’t take this seriously, I’m starting a GoFundMe for a reenactment docu-series.
AURORA: Wow she’s serious.
SANDY: Just let her go.
(Then CORNELIUS strolls in, holding a rolled-up fake dossier.)
CORNELIUS: Larry wasn’t murdered. He’s a confidential informant for the IIC—the Institute for Influencer Compliance.
He’s been tracking brand-deal malfeasance from inside. Very hush-hush.
SANDY: IIC? Really? That sounds like a pizza chain.
POLLY: You laugh, but this could be a corporate cover-up.
And we’re sitting in the middle of a murder mystery and treating it like a coffee break.
AURORA: Did you say IIC?
I thought he said he was Outfit Repetition Surveillance.
You know—the agency that monitors wardrobe redundancy via orbital fashion satellites?
SANDY: That’s not a thing.
AURORA: Oh, it’s very real. If an outfit appears in more than one photo within a 30-day window, it triggers a Fashion Flatline Alert™.
You either post a public explanation or submit to a virtual styling bootcamp.
I had to write a three-paragraph apology once for re-wearing a jumpsuit during Pisces season.
(Pause. Everyone stares. Then DANA pokes her head in, holding a massive iced coffee and a manila folder titled “CRINGE Watch.”)
DANA: Actually… I don’t think it was IIC at all.
I think Larry—if that was even his name—was under Cringe-Level Monitoring.
POLLY: Is that a real agency or just what we call Jack’s segment?
DANA: It’s real. CRINGE is Compulsory Regulation of Influencer Narratives Generating Embarrassment.
They score content based on the CRINGE Index™.
If a post ranks higher than 8.5 on the public discomfort spectrum— (opens folder, points) —then the violator is flagged and must submit a “Sincere But Chill” content revision plan.
JACK (quietly): Does this explain my algorithm shadowban?
POLLY: It explains a lot, Jack.
CORNELIUS: I stand by my original theory. The Institute for Influencer Compliance is real. And so is this murder mystery.
SANDY: You’re all out of your minds.
(NOVA LANE pops in from stage left, latte in hand, earbud in one ear.)
NOVA: Wait—are we still talking about the murder mystery?
POLLY: Yes. And thank you. Finally, someone calls it what it is.
NOVA: Yeah, but are you sure his name was Larry “Gidget” Moondoggie? I spoke to him once about his feta-avocado Greek yogurt dip, and he said his name was Dobie Dallas.
Pretty sure that’s what he said. I knoe we bonded over herbs.
JACK: Nope, I remember now. He told me his full name was Maynard G. Cribs. Said it was French. The G stood for Gorgonzola.
CORNELIUS: This is why he had to disappear. The man had too many names. Classic indicator of a compromised asset. Textbook murder mystery trigger.
POLLY: You’re all proving my point.
Nobody even knows who he was.
And in any proper murder mystery, that’s the first clue. The victim is always more than they appeared.
SANDY: Okay, let me just say—this isn’t a murder mystery.
This is office folklore spun out of caffeine withdrawal and algorithm rot.
POLLY: That’s what they said about The Staircase.
And Making a Murderer.
And Escape Room 7: Influencer Island.
You can deny it, but I know what this is.
This is episode one of a real, live, evolving murder mystery.
And we’re in it.
⚡ END SCENE – TITLE CARD:
The World’s Greatest Murder Mystery at Informer.Digital – Ep 1: The LaCroix Files
No Body. No Crime. No Lunch Cup. No Justice.
👀 Tune in next time for Episode 2: “The World’s Greatest Murder Mystery – Who Is Watching You?”
Sponsored by Squarespace. Build your murder board. Organize your suspects. All with drag-and-drop ease.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
