🌍 The Things the World Needs Now – Perfect, Ultimate and Undisputed (or not) Breakroom Edition #1
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to poke fun at the modern world’s endless obsession with “fixing” itself through grand ideas, listicles, and coffee-fueled brainstorming sessions.
None of these suggestions will actually save humanity—though we’d still like to see the Global “Chill Out” Button happen.
The setting, characters, and banter parody the kind of workplace chatter where half-baked ideas are pitched with full confidence.
If you find yourself agreeing with everything said here… congratulations, you’re probably one of us.
(Informer.Digital Breakroom – mid-morning. Coffee’s burnt. Vending machine’s out of Snickers.)
SANDY: Hi Polly. What are you doing?
POLLY: I’m making a definitive list of the things the world needs now.
SANDY: Oh boy. Do I need coffee for this?
POLLY: First up — A Global “Chill Out” Button.
A giant, glowing red button in Switzerland.
Whenever the planet collectively loses its mind — world leaders acting like toddlers, billionaires buying pointless toys, people eating Tide Pods again — someone slams it.
Everything freezes.
We all take a breath, sip some tea, and try again.
JACK (walking in with a donut): So basically a hockey timeout, but for humanity. I’m in.
GRACIE: If we’re freezing time, I’m using it to upgrade my Leagues Cup seats.
SANDY: I’d use it to stop people from posting beach pics while I’m stuck working.
MAX: I’d press it every time a celebrity “accidentally” leaks their own nudes.
SANDY: Here’s one for the things the world needs now list — Unpaid Therapy via Public Libraries.
You show up.
You rant.
A librarian hands you tissues, recommends a novel, and quietly judges your taste.
It’s cheaper than therapy, smells like old books, and comes with free Wi-Fi.
NOVA (poking her head in): So basically my Friday nights, except the librarian isn’t drunk.
JACK: Do they also recommend books passive-aggressively? Like, “Here, you clearly need How Not to Ruin Everything.”
POLLY: If they don’t, I’m applying for the job.
NOVA: Speaking of public service — next on my list of things the world needs now — The Universal “Shut Up, Schmendrick” Rule.
Every group has a Schmendrick.
Talks too loud. Explains too much. Explains wrong.
We need a global agreement: one designated person per group gets to say “Shut up, Schmendrick” without consequences.
That’s diplomacy.
CORNELIUS (entering with tea): When I was your age, that was just called “manners.”
GRACIE: When we still had manners, TikTok wasn’t a national security threat.
JACK: I nominate Polly as permanent Schmendrick.
POLLY: Are you still bitter because I beat you at fantasy football last year?
CORNELIUS: Speaking of respect — here’s one of the things the world needs now:
More Elders, Fewer Influencers.
Nineteen-year-olds are selling life advice while eighty-seven-year-olds who survived wars are ignored.
Flip it.
Grandma Edna goes viral on TikTok, teaching personal finance and banana bread.
Both will save your life.
NOVA: Only if she live-streams bingo night.
MAX: And teaches crypto bros how to balance a checkbook.
SANDY: Banana bread solves more problems than therapy.
DANA (walking in with lunch): Another one for the things the world needs now file — A Mandatory “Learn to Cook One Damn Thing” Curriculum.
Before voting or owning a pet, you must prove you can make one edible meal.
Not microwave-based. Not cereal.
Bonus points if it includes a vegetable.
JACK: So I can’t run for office with my Hot Pocket skills?
GRACIE: Only if it’s a kale Hot Pocket.
MAX: Grilled cheese with tomato soup counts as a vegetable.
SALLY: Opening a can and melting some cheese is not cooking.
NIKKE: And here’s my pick for the things the world needs now — Sarcasm as a Second Language.
Required in every school.
According to the International Institute for Sarcastic Peacekeeping:
Fluency in sarcasm reduces violence by 38%
Increases passive-aggressive coffee mugs by 72%
Worth it.
POLLY: Can I teach this class? I’m already fluent.
SANDY: You’re fluent in sarcasm and caffeine overdoses.
JACK: I want extra credit for surviving Polly’s sarcasm every day.
GRACIE: Here is one of the most important things the world needs now — More Outlets, Fewer Outbursts.
We don’t need more angry people. We need more outlets.
For chargers.
For creativity.
For screaming into the void.
Every home gets a “scream room” and a phone charger next to the toilet. That’s progress.
JACK: Or we just throw Polly in the scream room and lock it.
POLLY: Shut up, Schmendrick.
MAX: And there you have it — the definitive list of things the world needs now. We’ll fix the planet right after lunch.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
