The Greatest Debate Ever: About Whether This Is the Greatest Debate Ever – When I Was Your Age #13
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody our cultural obsession with short-form content, endless scrolling, and the belief that attention spans can be measured in TikTok seconds.
No one here is an expert on neuroscience, focus, or the human condition.
We’re just four people yelling at each other about videos we watched instead of fixing the things we were actually supposed to be doing.
CORNELIUS: When I was your age, Nova, we had this thing called “listening.” You’d sit down, let someone finish a thought, then decide if it was worth remembering.
That’s how you get to the greatest debates — not these three-second attention span standoffs you’re used to.
NOVA: And when I was my age, Corny Baby, we had this thing called “efficiency.”
I don’t need to sit through a 20-minute weather report just to get to the part about fixing a leaky faucet.
This is already shaping up to be the greatest debate I’ve ever had — mostly because you’re wrong.
CORNELIUS: You skip past videos like you already know where they’re going.
You’re the verbal equivalent of stealing fries off my plate before I’ve even sat down.
NOVA: And you’re so slow, glaciers call you for tips on how to take their time.
Wow, we’ve been debating for thirty seconds and it’s already the greatest debate of your life, isn’t it?
You’re definitely holding up the trophy for “Longest Possible Way to Say Anything.”
CORNELIUS: That’s because directions matter. You think patience is optional — living proof it didn’t make it past kindergarten.
NOVA: Patience is for people with nothing better to do. I have an entire world of content in my hand, and you want me to sit through Doug from Ohio talking about his lawn.
CORNELIUS: Doug might’ve solved your problem — if you’d given him the chance.
NOVA: No, Doug was about to give me a cliffhanger nobody asked for — and that’s not even a good debate, let alone the greatest debate.
(The door bursts open — or, in digital terms, a new face pops into the group chat.)
NELLY: Speaking of Doug, I just found a video that taught me to build a bookshelf and gave me relationship advice in under a minute.
And honestly?
I think us debating whether this is worth debating is what’s going to make it the greatest debate.
PROFESSOR: And I told her to watch the whole thing before declaring it life-changing.
NELLY: I watched 42 seconds. That’s enough. I got the gist.
CORNELIUS: The gist is why your generation keeps getting scammed by people selling “get rich quick” plans.
And debating whether this is the greatest debate ever is a distraction from the fact that I’m right.
NELLY: That’s debatable.
NOVA: Or maybe it’s because we actually try new things instead of sitting around like a dusty encyclopedia.
PROFESSOR: Encyclopedias lasted centuries.
You? You’re the conversational equivalent of pushing the emergency stop on an escalator for fun.
NELLY: And you’re so slow, I could grow my own coffee beans, roast them, brew a pot, and still catch the end of your thought.
CORNELIUS: Nelly, it is always better to be slow and right than fast and wrong.
That’s how you win the greatest debates.
NOVA: You’re just mad our mouths have faster Wi-Fi than your brain.
PROFESSOR (starting to ramble): Now, if you examine the—
NELLY: If you were a TikTok, you’d still be buffering. And we’d still be waiting to see if this is the greatest debate or just another Tuesday.
CORNELIUS: Getting to the wrong answer fast is as good as winning a race to the edge of a cliff.
NELLY: Look, I’m on Nova’s side. Having all this info at our fingertips is amazing. You can go exploring without leaving your couch.
PROFESSOR: And I’m with Cornelius. If you never slow down, you don’t notice the treasures. You just fill your pockets with shiny junk and call it a day.
NOVA: And you’re so slow, I could knit a sweater between your commas.
CORNELIUS: Better that than your “sea of endless dopamine” pep talk.
But if we’re ranking debates, this has to be in the running for greatest debate status — even if only half of us know why we’re debating.
NELLY: So what’s the answer then? Watch slower?
PROFESSOR: Watch smarter. Listen for the thing you didn’t know you needed to hear.
NOVA: And swipe faster past the stuff you know is useless.
Which, honestly, includes debating whether this is the greatest debate… but it’s fun, so here we are.
CORNELIUS: And how do you know it’s useless after three seconds?
NOVA: …The algorithm told me.
(All four pause. They look at each other. A beat.)
NELLY: Oh wow. We’ve been arguing about attention spans while the algorithm’s been listening the whole time, hasn’t it?
PROFESSOR: And now it’s going to sell us all the same ad.
CORNELIUS: Let me guess — mindfulness retreats and speed-reading courses?
NOVA: …Close. It’s showing me a Labradoodle wearing sunglasses explaining crypto.
NELLY: I have a girl slow-motion pouring iced coffee under a ring light asking me if I want to earn a degree online in dopamine addiction?
PROFESSOR: See? Even the Labradoodle agrees — greatest debate ever.
(They all groan. Curtain.)
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
