🎥 This Is Not Lord of the Rings — This Is The Ultra New Series! Median Earth: The Monarch of the Money Saga – The Critics #4
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody Hollywood’s obsession with reboots, shameless cash-grabs, and the critics who convince themselves that knock-offs are either high art or total heresy.
No one here is a financial advisor, but everyone here is pretending to know the exchange rate on Middle Earth nostalgia.
[The Critics Take Their Seats]
POPCORN PROPHETESS (leaning in, dramatic whisper): Did you hear the news? Another Lord of the Rings movie is coming — The Hunt for Gollum.
But listen — how come nobody has ever done a story about the world that exists between Middle Earth and Upper Earth?
NIKKE AMMO (snorts): Because it doesn’t exist. And because that would be called plagiarism with extra steps.
POPCORN PROPHETESS (ignoring him, eyes wide): No, no, think about it! This is not Lord of the Rings. It’s called Median Earth.
The inconvenient layer wedged between fantasy and reality, where the Wi-Fi sucks, the AC is broken, and every magical quest is really just about trying to make rent.
ZEN CINEPHILE (soft smile, meditative): Yes. The strip mall of existence. Dragons circling for parking, elves selling skincare in pyramid schemes, orcs trapped in HOA disputes. Truly, a mirror of our world.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE (rolling her eyes): That’s not a mirror. That’s a funhouse reflection of Lord of the Rings with cheaper costumes.
POPCORN PROPHETESS: It’s not The Lord of the Rings.
It’s The Monarch of the Money: The Quest for Cash. A brand-new saga!
NIKKE AMMO: That’s not a saga. That’s an H&R Block commercial in cosplay.
ZEN CINEPHILE: No, Nikke. Lord of the Rings was about power. This is about profit. A totally different trilogy.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: Right. Rings control people, but money… controls people. Totally different. Please.
POPCORN PROPHETESS (on a roll now): I’m telling you this is not Lord of the Rings!
Now meet our heroes!
Grandalf the Beige – a wizard whose only spell is “Auto-Renew Subscription.”
Fro-Yo – a hobbit addicted to frozen yogurt and micro-transactions.
Samwise Credit-Cardgee – loyal, broke, maxed out to keep Fro-Yo’s froyo flowing.
Legoloss – elf archer, always distracted by side hustles.
Borrow-Mir – warrior who dies Venmoing the wrong guy.
Dollar-Gollum – obsessed with “my preciousssss cashback rewards.”
NIKKE AMMO (throws hands up): You’re literally calling him Fro-Yo. That’s not parody, that’s Tolkien in a trench coat pawning off expired coupons.
ZEN CINEPHILE (calmly): Or it’s enlightenment through capitalism’s reflection. Every legend needs updating.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: Updating? This is reheating someone else’s leftovers and calling it a five-course meal.
POPCORN PROPHETESS: The Monarch of the Money sends the Fellowship of Financial Mismanagement to recover The Legendary $100 Bill — said to be printed on paper softer than Charmin Ultra and able to buy at least one movie ticket and a small soda in the year 2027.
ZEN CINEPHILE: But beware the Credit Score Balrog, lurking in every Equifax report.
NIKKE AMMO: This is just my student loan statement in Lord of the Rings font.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: Exactly. “The One Bill to Rule Them All.” It’s Lord of the Rings for people who overdrafted at Starbucks.
POPCORN PROPHETESS (triumphant): And the visionary behind it all? Not Peter Jackson. Not Andy Serkis. No — a brand-new director you’ve probably never heard of…
ZEN CINEPHILE: …Bernie Madoff.
NIKKE AMMO (choking on his coffee): You cast the Monarch of the Money with the king of Ponzi schemes?!
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: This isn’t filmmaking. This is securities fraud with a soundtrack.
POPCORN PROPHETESS (defiant): Who better to helm The Quest for Cash than a man who literally lived it?
ZEN CINEPHILE: Indeed. He is the perfect mirror of Median Earth.
NIKKE AMMO: No, he’s the perfect mirror of a prison sentence.
POPCORN PROPHETESS: And the sequels practically write themselves:
The Monarch of the Medicine: The Hunt for Affordable Healthcare.
The Monarch of the Mimicry: The War of Streaming Reboots.
The Monarch of the Mortgage: Return of the Adjustable Rate.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: Translation: Hollywood has officially run out of ideas and is now robbing Monopoly boards for plots.
NIKKE AMMO: Median Earth isn’t fantasy. It’s IP theft in yoga pants.
ZEN CINEPHILE (serene): Or perhaps it is enlightenment disguised as overdraft fees.
POPCORN PROPHETESS: Median Earth isn’t a Lord of the Rings rip-off. It’s a completely novel concept.
NIKKE AMMO: Novel? It’s not even fan fiction. It’s fan eviction.
SILVER SCREEN SAGE: Tolkien deserves better than Fro-Yo and Bernie Madoff.
ZEN CINEPHILE: Perhaps. But the truth is clear: America isn’t a country anymore.
It’s a monetized, algorithmically-curated streaming experience with a trauma budget and a leaderboard.
NIKKE AMMO: …And now apparently with Fro-Yo.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
