🎥 Astounding Alternative Sports: The Remarkable Rise of Competitive Errand Running – Dana & Max #11
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the rise of alternative sports, the obsession with turning everyday life into content, and the endless debates over what counts as “real” competition.
DANA (leaning across the table, notebook out): Max, I’ve cracked it. Forget pickleball, forget axe throwing.
Competitive errand running is the next big thing in alternative sports.
MAX (grinning, phone already recording): Finally! A sport for the people who already spend Saturdays racing between Costco, UPS, and Starbucks.
It’s part obstacle course, part endurance test, and 100% relatable.
DANA: Picture it. Each player gets a list of errands: groceries, dry cleaning, gas fill-up, pharmacy pickup. First back with everything correct wins.
Bonus points for style—like carrying all the bags in one trip or parallel parking without touching the curb.
MAX: And penalties for rookie mistakes. Forget the oat milk? Ten-point deduction. Buy the wrong cat food? Instant disqualification.
DANA: The divisions practically write themselves.
The Everyday Hero League—parents, roommates, college kids.
The Pro League—delivery drivers and Instacart veterans.
The Extreme Division, where you’ve got screaming kids in the backseat asking for McNuggets while the judge texts you last-minute errands.
MAX (laughing): The Ocho would eat this up. Alternative sports gold.
SANDY (cutting in, arms folded): Are you two serious? You’re going to call standing in line at Walgreens alternative sports?
MAX: The next big thing in alternative sports Sandy!
SANDY (deadpan): Right. Next you’ll tell me waiting at the DMV qualifies as the World Cup.
MAX: You’re a genius! DMV is absolutely World Cup level alternative sports.
DANA (smiling calmly): Sandy, errands are the most universal challenge in existence. Why shouldn’t we elevate them?
CORNELIUS (snorting): When I was your age, errands were chores. You didn’t get medals, you got sore feet.
Sports meant sweat, dirt, and maybe a concussion. Not clipping coupons.
MAX (mock gasp): Coupons are dangerous, Cornelius. Paper cuts can end alternative sports careers.
SANDY (rolling eyes): Congratulations, Max. You’ve invented reality TV with receipts.
POLLY (breezing in, hair immaculate): Oh, Sandy, you’re missing the point. Alternative sports are image gold.
Just imagine it—matching tracksuits for grocery runs, sponsorship deals with Trader Joe’s, coffee brand tie-ins. Errands as lifestyle.
NOVA (nodding eagerly): Exactly! Times have changed. Anything can become a fun, creative sport if you frame it right.
People already watch strangers clean houses on TikTok—why not watch them conquer “Alternative Sports Costco Challenge”
CORNELIUS (grumbling): Because sports require tradition, skill, honor. Not… cart-wrangling.
MAX (speaking into his phone): Note to self, properly replacing your cart should get you bonus points.
NOVA (snapping back): Tradition? Corny Baby, half the things you call “real sports” started as games in someone’s backyard.
Baseball was called Town-Ball and they threw the ball at you to get you out. Basketball was literally peach baskets. Alternative sports are just the next evolution.
POLLY (smiling): Besides, errand running has drama.
Will Dana choose the fastest checkout line or risk the self-scan chaos?
Will Max make it back before the gas light comes on? That’s suspense. That’s ratings.
SANDY: Ratings, sure. Until someone sprains an ankle chasing the last shopping cart and sues.
DANA: Injuries happen in every sport, Sandy. At least alternative sports come with snacks at the finish line.
MAX (pumping fist): And caffeine. The official fuel of competitive errand running.
CORNELIUS: I still say it’s absurd.
NOVA (grinning): Absurd is what makes it fun. Alternative sports aren’t about tradition—they’re about possibility. And this one is wide open.
POLLY (leaning in): Imagine the headlines: “From Soccer Moms to Superstars: The New Age of Errand Athletes.”
SANDY (groaning): Lord save me from this network.
DANA (with finality): No saving necessary. The age of errands has arrived. And we’re bringing scoreboards.
Satire Reminder
If you’re tempted to form your own league of errand champions this weekend, remember—it’s satire.
Unless, of course, you do want to start training. In which case, we’ll see you at the grocery store starting line.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
