Real Christmas Shopping Is Joy, Excitement and Game 7 Sudden Death Overtime
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape and the flood of opinion-based programming that now dominates it.
These days, everyone has an opinion—and far too often, people treat agreement as evidence that something must be true.
If you’ve ever nodded along with someone just because they “sounded right,” believe us, we have too. You’re the audience we’re laughing at—because we’re laughing at ourselves right alongside you. That’s the point.
Gracie: Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving should be illegal. The season doesn’t begin until December 24th at 3:47 PM when you sprint into a mall like it’s sudden-death overtime of Game 7.
Nova: That’s because you live in the Stone Age. Amazon has had Christmas shopping deals since July, Gracie. July. I had my stuff done before pumpkin-spice season even started.
Cornelius: When I was your age, July was for swimming and bikini watching. You didn’t do Christmas shopping until the manager announced, “We close in 12 minutes, grab something and pray.”
Rex: Honestly? Gracie’s right. I need the pressure. I need the stakes. If I don’t feel the mall closing like a countdown clock, how do I know whether I actually care about these people?
Aurora: Exactly. The real test of love is deciding whether someone is worth an overpriced scented candle at T-minus five minutes. If you’re not sweating, you’re not doing Christmas shopping correctly.
Jack: Spoken like a true romantic disaster, Aurora. Christmas Eve Christmas shopping is the only time I believe in destiny. And conspiracies. Mostly conspiracies.
Nova: Oh please, Jack. You wait because you lack discipline and basic adult skills.
Jack: Correct — but also because the mall is rigged. Every gift disappears. Every sale sign mocks me. That’s not procrastination, that’s a coordinated anti-Jack Christmas shopping operation.
Sandy: I don’t buy gifts until someone proves they deserve wrapping paper. Half of you wouldn’t make the eligibility list. That’s my version of Christmas shopping — emotional Darwinism.
Gracie: Oh, here we go — Sandy’s Annual Holiday Merit Review.
Sandy: Look me in the eyes and tell me why I should spend actual money on you.
Rex: …I can’t, but I still want presents.
Cornelius: Presents are earned through loyalty, perseverance, and elbowing someone out of the way to grab the last wool scarf. That’s real Christmas shopping.
Nova: Or — hear me out — click “Add to Cart,” and it arrives at your door without full-contact combat.
Cornelius: That is moral weakness wrapped in a cardboard box.
Aurora: Nova, you don’t understand. Christmas Eve Christmas shopping is emotional cardio.
Nova: No, it’s emotional chaos because you people refuse to plan like normal humans.
Gracie: Planning ruins the thrill. It’s not about the gift — it’s about the adrenaline spike and the existential crisis.
Jack: Exactly! I need panic to unlock affection. I can’t feel feelings without the scent of mall pretzels and fear.
Rex: Without panic, I don’t even know how much I like anyone. That’s the true meaning of Christmas shopping.
Nova: You guys are literally the problem.
Sandy: And you’re literally smug.
Nova: I’m efficient.
Cornelius: You’re soulless.
Nova: I’m modern.
Gracie: Modern equals soulless in this context.
Aurora: Anyway, Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve is a personality test. Do you grab the good candle or the one that smells like regret? Do you buy real chocolate or that weird off-brand stuff shaped like disappointment?
Jack: And why is all the good stuff gone? Because the mall is rigged, Rex. Tell her.
Rex: I’m not getting into this.
Jack: Coward.
Wacky Benny (bursting in like a feral elf): It’s a conspiracy!
Everyone: There it is.
Benny: They WANT you doing Christmas shopping at the last minute. That’s when they study your panic levels. Every time you pick up peppermint lotion, someone in a government bunker whispers, “Mark this one down — emotionally fragile.”
Sandy: I knew my lotion was judging me.
Benny: And the escalators? Tracking your emotional stability. Down means sadness. Up means guilt. You can trust nothing during Christmas shopping, especially the toasters. They’re unionizing.
Nova: Benny, baby… none of that is real.
Benny: That’s what THEY want you to think.
Jack: Honestly, he’s making more sense than usual.
Gracie: Look, whether you’re a chaos shopper like us or a July shopper like Nova, the point is simple: Christmas is emotional overtime, and the real game starts when you’re sweating in a mall 12 minutes before closing and trying to convince yourself that Christmas shopping counts as cardio.
Cornelius: Finally, something we all agree on.
Nova: I don’t agree at all.
Sandy: You don’t have to. We already judged you.
Rex: Merry Christmas, everybody.
Jack: Except the toasters. They have plans.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
