BLACK FRIDAY: The Ultimate Betrayal – Informer.Digital Groundbreaking Investigation 1
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape and the flood of opinion-based programming that now dominates it.
These days, everyone has an opinion—and far too often, people treat agreement as evidence that something must be true.
If you’ve ever nodded along with someone just because they “sounded right,” believe us, we have too. You’re the audience we’re laughing at—because we’re laughing at ourselves right alongside you. That’s the point.
POLLY (bursting into the newsroom): Hey there, are you ready? Black Friday is in TWO days. I can feel the deals tingling in my bones. My bones are basically promo codes right now.
NOVA: Oh, absolutely. This is my Super Bowl, but with more glitter and fewer concussions. I’ve been training my thumbs for lightning-fast checkout. Feel that.
She wiggles her fingers like she’s revving an engine.
These babies can add a half-price air fryer to cart before you can say ‘doorbuster.’
SANDY (entering like someone just insulted her childhood): What are you two talking about? Black Friday hasn’t been ‘in two days’ since 2004.
It’s been Black Friday since November 1st. You kids are living in a lawless world.
CORNELIUS: Too many Black Fridays! They’re printing counterfeit discounts! When I was your age—when Black Friday meant something—you needed to TRAIN. I’m talking practice drills. Warm-ups. Carbo-loading.
NOVA: Cornelius, it’s a sale. It’s not the Boston Marathon.
CORNELIUS: Oh, but it WAS. I once hurdled a grandmother for a microwave. A microwave. And the prize for finishing first? A $29 VCR that chewed every tape like it had unresolved childhood trauma.
POLLY: Okay, but that sounds kind of… exciting? Like adrenaline shopping.
SANDY: It was WAR. There were rules. There were alliances. There were casualties. Shoes abandoned in aisles. People with cart-shaped bruises. It was honorable.
NOVA: Yeah, but why do it the hard way when you can get 40% off leggings on November 3rd while lying in bed eating pretzels?
CORNELIUS: Because scarcity builds character! You don’t appreciate deals because you have too many deals!
POLLY: Cornelius, it’s a half-price Bluetooth speaker, not the last helicopter out of Saigon.
SANDY: Still. Black Friday used to be ONE DAY. One glorious, terrifying day.
WACKY BENNY (suddenly appearing from behind a potted plant): Ohhh it’s not an accident, you know that, right?
This is a conspiracy. A multi-layered discount-laundering scheme. They want Black Friday to be everywhere, all the time, so you don’t notice what’s really going on.
NOVA: …Which is what, exactly?
BENNY: Oh, you sweet summer algorithm. They’re conditioning us.
Pavlov had dogs, corporations have the month of November. Sale! Ding!
You salivate. Swipe that card. Add to cart. Buy the sweater you’ll wear once at an office party you don’t even want to attend.
CORNELIUS: He’s right. When I was your age the brainwashing didn’t start until after Thanksgiving dinner.
SANDY: And even then, you had to read the newspaper ads manually. Like a soldier decoding enemy transmission.
POLLY (whispers to Nova): Is this… normal? Are we supposed to be nostalgic for combat-level shopping violence?
NOVA: Honestly? I kind of love it. It’s chaotic. It’s unhinged. It’s Informer.Digital.
BENNY (continuing his monologue because no one asked him to stop): You think it’s a coincidence they extended Black Friday into Black November and Black December and Black Occasional Tuesdays?
Absolutely not.
They’re diluting the term so much that soon every day will be Black Friday, and then—bam!—we’re living in a 24/7 discount dystopia where prices appear lower but your dignity costs extra.
POLLY: I mean… that actually sounds kind of trendy. Like a vibe.
SANDY: It’s not a vibe. It’s a tragedy.
CORNELIUS: Exactly. Think about it: if every day is Black Friday, then no day is Black Friday.
The real Black Friday—the one with danger, valor, and the possibility of getting tackled into a pallet of waffle makers—is gone.
NOVA: Cornelius, you’re acting like you fought in the Great Retail War.
CORNELIUS: I DID. We all did. Some of us never recovered.
SANDY: That’s right. I still flinch when I hear plastic carts clacking together.
POLLY: Okay, but… isn’t it kind of nice that you don’t have to sprint anymore?
CORNELIUS: No. Sprinting meant something. Sprinting proved you deserved the deal.
BENNY: And that, my friends, is what ‘they’ want to erase. They want you compliant. Comfortable. Clicking.
They want Black Friday to become so common that you don’t even question it.
NOVA: But… we like sales.
BENNY: Of course you do. That’s how they get you. First it’s a sale on a toaster. Then it’s a sale on a soul.
POLLY: Okay, now we’re drifting.
CORNELIUS: He’s not wrong.
SANDY: You know what? We’re taking back Black Friday. The real one. The authentic one. The one-day-only gladiator sale event.
NOVA: And how exactly do you plan to do that?
CORNELIUS (with dangerous confidence): We train. We carbo-load. We hurdle grandmothers.
POLLY: NO ONE is hurdling a grandmother.
BENNY: Speak for yourself.
NOVA: This is going to end in a lawsuit.
SANDY: Maybe. But at least it’ll be a Black Friday lawsuit—and those used to mean something.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
