📅 Calendar of Malarkey – Episode 3
Real Unbelievable News Inspired These Wildly Incredible Historical Lies. Or was it the other way around?
Presented by Wacky Benny
📢 Satire Disclaimer
Read This Before Filing a Lawsuit with the Time Police.
The following is a work of historical nonsense, inspired by real headlines and rewritten for maximum malarkey.
Everything you’re about to read is completely made up—except the parts that are accidentally true, which we apologize for in advance.
If you think history couldn’t possibly be this ridiculous, that’s on you for trusting textbooks and not Wacky Benny.
📺 Did you see Dr. Phil’s conservative media empire is struggling and facing bankruptcy?
He launched Merit Street Media to rival Fox News and Newsmax—valued it at $65 million—and now a creditor says it’s all smoke, mirrors, and southern charm.
Dr. Phil reportedly said “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
We decided to acknowledge this tidbit from the Calendar of Malarkey.
🧯 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: The Great Bearded Snake Oil Broadcast Bust
July 11, 1897, Dr. Filbert McSoot attempted to revolutionize media with his steam-powered “VirtueVision Telegraph Channel,” broadcasting 24-hour sermons on etiquette, decency, and the perils of showing ankle.
Unfortunately, the Morse code system was flammable. The final broadcast on “elbow manners” caused a pressure explosion that launched the studio into a nearby haberdashery.
Wacky Benny: According to the Calendar of Malarkey, McSoot survived the blast and blamed “the woke barbershop agenda.” Some say he never stopped broadcasting—he just got quieter and more judgmental.
💔 So apparently Denise Richards and Aaron Phypers are finally getting divorced.
They’ve been separated for years, living together “as friends” in the most amicable post-marriage arrangement since Gwyneth Paltrow popularized the term “conscious uncoupling.” But only now did they get around to the paperwork.
🎩 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: The First-Ever “Slow Burn Divorce” Filed on Vellum
July 12, 1784, Lady Demelza Richeford and Baron Aardvark von Whisperwind filed their “Declaration of Unbinding Matrimony” after 12 years of cohabiting as emotionally neutral roommates.
They shared a castle, labeled leftovers by name, and took turns polishing portraits of their disapproving ancestors.
Wacky Benny: The only thing slower than their divorce was the ink drying on the parchment. According to the Calendar of Malarkey one witness said the Baron sighed for 11 straight years.
🧪 Did you catch the new Starbucks drink with foam, layers, and a name that sounds like a satellite?
It’s called the Strato Frappuccino, and it’s being marketed as a “layered flavor journey.”
The only thing it doesn’t promise is social status and magical powers—Which brings us to this blast from the past.
🥄 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: Beatrix the Bold and the Layered Potion Craze of 1311
July 13, 1311, Beatrix the Bold wowed the royal court with Elixyré Stratos—a three-tiered beverage claiming to enhance clarity, charm, and immunity from bad decisions.
Its frothy top layer, called whispenaire, foamed violently under moonlight and exploded during a medieval talent show.
Wacky Benny: Beatrix was the first to offer “customizable beverage spells” and a loyalty program that required a drop of blood. Coffee shops have only gotten slightly less dangerous since.
🐐 Did you see the goat-eating contest in NYC?
Yes, that happened. They brought in five goats to compete in something called the Great Goat Graze-Off. One goat, aptly named G.O.A.T., even got a championship belt. Somewhere, ESPN is rebranding its coverage strategy which helped us discover this:
🌿 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: The Ruminant Olympics Scandal of 1875
July 14, 1875, Butterball the Goat swept the Grazing Decathlon—until he tested positive for performance-enhancing kudzu. The scandal rocked the competitive chewing world. Butterball’s defense? “Baaaaaaa.”
Wacky Benny: It wasn’t the first time a goat was caught juicing. But it was the first time one gave a deposition on a rooftop garden.
🎤 Ever hear of someone getting booed for singing during the 7th-inning stretch?
Podcast host Alex Cooper was met with loud disapproval when she performed at Wrigley Field. No one’s quite sure why—but the crowd may have just wanted “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” not a remix.
🌭 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: The One-Man Band Who Hijacked the 7th-Inning Stretch
July 15, 1910, Cedric “Bubba” McGuffin played his custom song “Give Me That Hot Dog, Bubba!” on harmonica, tuba, and ankle cymbals.
Fans rioted. Sausages sold out. The Cubs lost. No one has forgiven him since.
Wacky Benny: To this day, “playing a Bubba” means alienating your entire audience with unexpected meat references.
👙 Kylie Jenner just revealed her breast implant specs like she was reading off a car manual.
She even shouted out her plastic surgeon like it was a Michelin Star chef. The number? 445cc. The tone? Influencer-in-a-gown energy.
🎭 Malarkey Moment: The Great Masking of the Elite – 1887
July 16, 1887 Dr. Silas “Gimmick” Glöö stunned the social scene by gluing papier-mâché masks onto aristocrats’ faces, claiming it “lifted spirits and jawlines.” At a royal gala, one heiress sneezed so hard her cheeks flew into the punchbowl, revealing the whole scheme.
Wacky Benny: It wasn’t plastic surgery—but it was flammable and poorly ventilated. Still safer than some fillers.
🎬 Charlize Theron just called out Hollywood for greenlighting every dud with a male lead but balking at female-fronted action flicks.
She basically said studios would rather throw $150 million at a slow-motion beard montage than take a chance on a woman punching bad guys.
💥 Calendar of Malarkey Moment: Peaches McGuffin and the Bearded Stuntman Debacle – 1927
July 17, 1927 Silent film legend Peaches McGuffin quit The Vamoose Vixen after the studio replaced her all-female cast with mustachioed stuntmen in wigs and corsets.
The film was released under the title Lady Kaboom: Explosions and Tea.
Wacky Benny Commentary:
It flopped harder than a fainting goat in a thunderstorm. But don’t worry—Peaches went on to invent jazzercise.
And that’s this week in the Calendar of Malarkey—where history repeats itself, but only after a costume change and a goat scandal. See you next week, unless we’re canceled by the Haberdashery Lobby.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
