If there’s one thing we’ve learned from history, it’s that some criminals are masterminds, and others…well, others pack 70 pounds of methamphetamine into stiff, powder-covered clothing—including a cow-print pajama onesie—and think they’ll waltz onto an international flight unnoticed.
Meet our aspiring genius, a California man arrested at Los Angeles International Airport. His plan? Check two suspiciously heavy suitcases—one pink and one gray—onto a United Airlines flight to Sydney, Australia. Unfortunately for him, TSA officers spotted “irregularities” in the X-rays. Upon closer inspection, they found a treasure trove of white-powder-coated clothing that tested positive for meth. Among the wardrobe was a standout piece: a flannel cow onesie.
This story raises a pressing question: Who packs a meth-covered onesie and thinks, “This will totally fool airport security”? In honor of his stunning lack of foresight, we’ve compiled the perfect holiday gift list for the “wannabe smuggler” in your life. These items highlight just how absurd his plan really was.
Top Holiday Gifts for the Aspiring Smuggler on Your Christmas List
1. A “Master of Disguise” Starter Kit
Complete with a fake mustache, Groucho Marx glasses, and a reversible trench coat. It’s still more convincing than stiff, powdery clothes in a cow-print onesie.
2. A Box of Dryer Sheets
For when your clothes are suspiciously stiff and reek of criminal intent.
3. The “I’m Not Suspicious” Hoodie
Bright neon lettering that reads, “Totally Normal Traveler, Please Ignore Me!” Great for blending in.
4. A Carton of Powdered Sugar
If you’re going to cover your clothes in powder, at least let it smell like donuts.
5. The “James Bond Lite” Disguise Set
Includes a fake passport, a cheap wig, and a T-shirt that says, “Definitely Not a Criminal.” Because you’re only fooling yourself.
6. A Travel Pillow with a Secret Compartment
Why stop at bad ideas when you can escalate to bad gadgets?
7. TSA’s Greatest Hits Coloring Book
A collection of stories like this one, but illustrated. Includes the chapter, “Meth in a Onesie: The Tale of a Missed Flight to Sydney.”
8. A Luggage Tag That Says, “Don’t Look Inside!”
Perfect for anyone who wants to test just how curious TSA agents can be.
9. The “Cow Onesie Disguise Deluxe Edition”
Now featuring a matching cowbell, hoof slippers, and a hat that reads, “Not Moooving Drugs!”
10. A Personalized X-Ray Machine Alarm
It plays circus music whenever it scans something suspicious in your suitcase.
11. A Pair of Joke Handcuffs
Because at this rate, you’ll need the real thing soon enough.
12. A Pocket Guide to Subtlety
Chapters include: “How Not to Pack Meth” and “Why Cow Onesies are a Dead Giveaway.”
13. An Emergency Getaway Scooter
Nothing screams “criminal mastermind” like escaping at 3 miles per hour through airport security.
14. A DIY Smuggling Kit for Dummies
Step 1: Don’t. Step 2: Seriously, don’t.
15. A Deluxe Meth Laundry Set
Comes with detergent, a stiffening agent (already included in his case), and a lifetime supply of regret.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving: Common Sense
Let’s be real: The best gift anyone can give this guy is a heavy dose of reality. If you’re going to smuggle something (pro tip: don’t), maybe don’t pack it in such an obvious and ridiculous manner. Powder-covered clothes? A cow onesie? The TSA’s job isn’t that hard when criminals like this show up.
So, this holiday season, take a moment to appreciate the comedic gold of stories like this one. And if you know someone who might be tempted to try a similar stunt, consider giving them one of these gifts. Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like pointing out the absurdity of their life choices.
