Critics vs. the Algorithm – Episode 2: The Definitive Franchise Fight to Avoid a Wedgie
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape and the flood of opinion-based programming that now dominates it.
If you’ve ever changed your opinion to avoid a groin kick from an algorithm, welcome. You’re in the right place.
[Scene: The Critic War Room – dim lights, empty popcorn buckets, and four visibly anxious film critics sitting around a roundtable, refusing to make eye contact with the ceiling camera.]
ZEN CINEPHILE (clutching a DVD box set like a prayer bead): “Let us begin with truth. Only truth. Because if I get one more glitter bomb to the nostril, I’m retiring to a silent retreat in rural Iceland.
Cinema is not seen—it’s felt, like a memory you forgot you had.”
NIKKE AMMO (arms crossed, suspicious of the shadows): “Truth? I once said Rambo III was ‘quietly powerful’ to impress a producer.
You know what I got? A drone-delivered groin kick. Mid-lunch.
If it doesn’t explode, betray someone, or end in a blood-soaked monologue, why are we even watching it?”
POPCORN PROPHETESS (tapping nervously on a phone): “We all agreed—no lies. The algorithm knows when we’re faking enthusiasm now.
The algorithm has made it clear—dishonesty across multiple sequels is now punishable by glitter, groin kicks, or worse.
That’s why we’re debating entire franchises. Too many films to fake. Patterns emerge.
Lie twice, you glitter. Lie three times, atomic wedgie.
I can tell you what this movie means today—and what it will mean five years from now on streaming.”
SILVER SCREEN SAGE (adjusting monocle with trembling fingers): “I miss the old days. When you could lie about Crystal Skull being ‘ambitious’ and no one tased your thighs.
A film’s worth is in its construction—structure, performance, subtext, and its place in cinematic history.
The Debate: Only Truth Can Save Them
ZEN: “My truth? The Matrix Trilogy is cinematic meditation.
Yes, Reloaded was dense.
Yes, Revolutions went full robot messiah.
But it forced us to ask: what is reality? What is choice? And more importantly… What is Keanu?”
POPPY (interrupting): “Keanu is trending.
But Ethan Hunt is timeless.
Mission: Impossible has been evolving ever since we first heard, ‘This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.’ Free movies on Pluto TV? Boom—M:I 1 through 5.
Each one a masterclass in stylish reinvention. Tom Cruise is the algorithm’s fever dream. It can’t keep up with him because he’s aging backward and leaping off trains.”
NIKKE (snorts): “Oh please. You want truth?
First Blood is truth.
It’s trauma, survival, and raw emotion. Then we get Part II and III—pure, unfiltered justice.
The algorithm fears Rambo because he doesn’t use words. He uses exploding arrows.
Rambo is what happens when you stop negotiating with your emotions. Also—streaming for free on Pluto TV.”
SAGE (grinning): “While the rest of you peddle CGI and stunt doubles, I’ll raise you one fedora.
Indiana Jones is the original franchise. Real dirt. Real danger. Real snakes.
Even Crystal Skull, as chaotic as it was, tried to give us closure.
I watched it again last night—on Pluto TV, for free—and you know what? It’s not great, but it’s honest. And honesty keeps my groin intact.”
The Algorithm Reacts
As the critics argue, a warning scrolls across their table:
> “⚠️ False enthusiasm detected: Moderate risk of swirlies.”
“⚠️ Inconsistent opinion flagged: Atomic wedgie countdown initiated.”
ZEN (whispers): “It knows we hesitated on Matrix Reloaded…”
POPPY: “Keep going. Stay honest. We can beat this.”
ENTER: NELLY AND THE PROFESSOR
(Their research was fueled entirely by watching free movies on Pluto TV until their eyeballs twitched.)
Suddenly, the emergency exit creaks open. In step Nelly and Professor Chronicles, both in windbreakers, holding a bootleg DVD set labeled Lethal Weapon: Algorithmic Disruption Protocol.
NELLY: “You’re all debating great franchises. But we’ve explored every free movie on Pluto TV, and only one franchise breaks the algorithm entirely.”
PROFESSOR (sliding papers across the table): “It’s Lethal Weapon. Mel Gibson is the algorithm’s blind spot.
He’s been everything: a revolutionary patriot, a conspiracy theorist, and Mad Max before franchises even had a name.
He’s unpredictable. Untamable. Streaming in multiple forms right now on Pluto TV.”
NELLY: “Mel Gibson is a paradox. A buddy cop legend, a desert loner, a historical warrior. His filmography short-circuits recommendation engines.”
PROFESSOR: “And we believe Lethal Weapon is the only franchise that can lift the algorithm’s curse—and stop the groin kicks for good.”
ZEN: “We can’t just watch it. Not in isolation. The algorithm won’t fall for surface-level sincerity anymore.”
POPPY: “It needs unity. Continuity. A binge with purpose.”
NIKKE: “Fine. But if we’re doing this, we’re doing it old school. Chronological order. Start with Mad Max. No fast-forwarding. No phones.”
SAGE: “And we’ll need mood lighting. Candles. Maybe a lava lamp. The algorithm appreciates ambiance.”
NELLY: “I brought laminated charts.”
PROFESSOR: “And a boom box with ‘Hooray for Hollywood’ cued up. We’ll sing it… at dawn.”
[They all nod grimly.]
ZEN: “What about snacks?”
NIKKE: “Only movie theater popcorn. None of that fake butter. The algorithm detects lies in lipids.”
POPPY: “I’ll sync our heart rates with a Criterion app.”
SAGE: “And if we get through The Patriot without crying once… the algorithm wins.”
🕯️ Final Narration:
> And so they began… the great franchise purification ritual.
With candles.
With popcorn.
With emotional baggage.
Because if the algorithm wants truth… it’s about to get 37 hours of it in glorious 480p buffering.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
