From Tragedy to TikTok
When tragedy strikes, society springs into action—not to solve problems, but to turn the chaos into a buffet of finger-pointing, memes, and branded merch.
A healthcare executive is murdered, and instead of asking why, we’re debating whether fast-food snitches deserve fries with that.
Meanwhile, politicians throw ideological Molotov cocktails (I’d tell you what I really think of that politician, but I can’t seem to stop puking), the media replays the same freeze-framed footage—stopping just before the fatal shot—until it qualifies for syndication, and the internet does what it does best: makes everything about McDonald’s ice cream machines.
Why address systemic flaws in healthcare or justice when we can settle for Yelp wars and Twitter spats? Justice is overrated when Wendy’s spicy nuggets are just a click away.
Act 1: The Internet’s Misplaced Priorities
The murder investigation kicked off like a gritty crime drama. But somewhere between the press conference and the first hashtag, the public decided McDonald’s was the real villain. “Snitches get stitches,” tweeted keyboard warriors who probably couldn’t find the ‘caps lock’ key if their lives depended on it.
The result? Yelp reviews accusing McDonald’s of harboring “rats bigger than the Hamburglar” and TikToks theorizing that the ice cream machine conspiracy is part of a deeper cover-up.
It’s not justice—it’s absurdity with a side of fries!
Why fight for reform when we can vote for Wendy’s or Burger King in the fast-food Hunger Games?
Act 2: Cue the Media Circus
Enter stage left: the media frenzy. Anchors with perfectly gelled hair solemnly dissect the snitch drama, while headlines scream ‘Rats, Ice Cream, and Murder!’ as if it’s the title of Netflix’s next limited series. (and let’s be honest, it probably will be).
Reporters camp outside McDonald’s, eager for the exclusive “snitch’s side of the story.” Meanwhile, a true-crime docuseries is undoubtedly already in pre-production, interviewing his college roommates to uncover if his underwear had stains—because, of course, that’s what makes a ratings bonanza.
The only thing colder than McDonald’s Frosty machine? The media’s race for exclusives.
Act 3: Lawyers Assemble
Behind the chaos looms the real drama: the courtroom. Lawyers smell blood (and billable hours), lining up like hopefuls on America’s Next Top Litigator. One rookie attorney markets himself with a tagline: “Delay, Deny, Depose, and Demand Fries.”
The legal circus wouldn’t be complete without themed merch. Imagine T-shirts that read, “My Lawyer Told Me Not to Wear This,” paired with foam fingers declaring, “Justice #1!” And of course, the courtroom snacks—probably catered by Wendy’s or Burger King.
In America, even the judicial system comes with a marketing plan.
Act 4: Outrage for Sale
Public outrage has been monetized faster than you can say deductible. Etsy shops are flooded with mugs emblazoned with “Rats, Snitches, and Ice Cream Machines,” while TikTok influencers sell “#SnitchGate” hoodies. Satire sells. Systemic reform? That’s a harder pitch.
Meanwhile, insurance companies watch the spectacle, clutching their “Delay, Deny, Depose” coffee mugs. They promise change, but don’t worry—it’s all in the fine print.
After all, why reform when the public’s too busy debating whether Burger King or Wendy’s should replace McDonald’s?
Fries Over Facts
We live in a world where outrage is an art form, justice is a meme, and systemic reform is an afterthought. But hey, at least we can enjoy a Frosty while society crumbles.
So, skip the debates and hit the drive-thru. Justice may be blind, but thank goodness it’s served hot and spicy.
