Tired of watching the same old cable news shows blow everything out of proportion?
Why not give them a run for their money by turning your office drama into the next big thing?
Yes, you heard that right!
Take the gossip, the passive-aggressive emails, and the “accidentally” stolen lunches and spin them into a goldmine of high-stakes drama.
All you need are flashy graphics, some over-the-top headlines, and bam—you’re in business!
Let’s call it Cable News: The Ultimate Reality Show
Let’s be honest, they’ve already blurred the lines between actual news and reality TV. So why not just take the plunge and cash in on it?
Here’s a foolproof, five-step program to get started on your road to fame and fortune.
Warning: sensationalism ahead!
- Endless Sensationalism
You know how cable news can turn a cat stuck in a tree into a Breaking News event with aerial shots, experts on cat behavior, and a countdown clock to the “rescue operation”?
Well, the same can apply to your office.
Did someone take the last cup of coffee without refilling the pot? Breaking news!
Is there a mysterious yogurt thief in the building?
From a missing stapler to a slight disagreement between colleagues, sprinkle in dramatic music, call in the pundits and give this scandal the front-page treatment it deserves.
- Exaggerated Opinions
What would cable news be without loud opinions from people who may or may not know what they’re talking about?
Your office has that covered, too!
Bill from Accounting has never met a problem he couldn’t solve with a 20-minute rant at the coffee machine. So give him the spotlight!
Are we really out of paper clips, or is it part of a grander scheme? Let Bill explain how the office supply shortage is clearly a metaphor for late-stage capitalism.
He’ll be your star pundit, and the best part? He works for free!
- Looping Stories
Why let a perfectly good drama die after just one news cycle? Cable news doesn’t, so why should you? Keep that juicy workplace conflict alive by running it over and over again.
Did someone clog the office toilet and sink? Better run that story 12 times throughout the day, dissecting every angle like a crime scene investigation.
“Was it incompetence or sabotage? We’ll dive into Toiletgate tonight at 8, with exclusive interviews and video of the plunger!”
- Distraction Galore
Just like that office gossip that tempts you to abandon your daily duties. Cable news serves up an addictive cycle of ca ca.
It’s the perfect distraction!
Who needs to focus on solutions when you can indulge in childish finger pointing and a multitude of malarkey?
- Reality TV Drama
Let’s be honest— cable news is to news what reality TV is to reality. So why not hire a Kardashian, or somebody that looks like one, to narrate your office drama and Bingo Bingo Bongo you got a ratings grabber.
Turn your everyday office into a place where people are “voted off the island” (or at least out of the break room) for crimes like leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
Just follow these five easy steps, and soon enough, you’ll be sipping your coffee as your co-workers’ everyday missteps become your next big episode.
