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Hate The Godfather Part III? Al Pacino’s New Book Might Just Change Your Mind!

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Let me start by offering my deepest gratitude to all the people who warned me about The Godfather Part III.

You truly spared me from the horror of watching a movie filled with emotional depth, stunning cinematography, and a nuanced performance by Al Pacino.

Geeze I Hate That Crap!

Seriously, what a nightmare! Thanks to your warnings, I was able to avoid all the terrible things this film had to offer.

Let me break it down so we can all appreciate just how much of a disaster I’ve missed.

First of all!

Why would I want to watch one of the most iconic characters in cinema grapple with the guilt and consequences of a life filled with crime, power, and betrayal?

I mean, who needs a complex, multi-layered character trying to atone for his sins? That’s way too emotionally engaging for me. I prefer my mobsters to stay soulless, thank you very much.

The last thing I want to see is an exploration of how the choices we make echo into our later years, impacting not just ourselves but everyone around us. Whew, dodged that!

I mean, it doesn’t even matter that Al Pacino himself—in his new book Sunny Boy—apparently believes the movie was great because it showed Michael’s attempt at breaking free from his emotional numbness, a guy trying to seek redemption.

Come on, Al, that’s not the Michael people wanted!

I mean, if he went to a therapist and it was spread out over a lot of weekly episodes where he could work through his emotional crisis as a mob boss, maybe that would have been different. Sounds like a binge-worthy series I could get behind.

The Cinematography and Direction?

Yawn.

Francis Ford Coppola, really?

I was so grateful to avoid all those gorgeously composed shots, the expert use of light and shadow, and the final opera scene that’s apparently so tense and tragic.

Who wants beauty and tension in a movie anyway?

Give me shaky cam and random explosions, please.

Sofia Coppola’s Role?

Well, thank goodness I dodged that bullet! Who cares if her performance added an element of vulnerability and innocence?

I would much rather have watched a stone-cold, emotionless character who didn’t contribute anything to the tragedy of the story.

She gets killed off in the end, right? Talk about a snooze-fest.

Andy Garcia?

A fiery, charismatic new addition to the Corleone family?

Hard pass!

Why would I want to see a dynamic performance that breathes new life into the franchise?

A great portrayal of Sonny Corleone’s son?

No thanks, I much prefer my sequels to just rehash the same old thing. Introducing an exciting new character would only make things interesting, and we can’t have that.

Did I Forget To Mention?

It’s a good thing I didn’t have to keep up with Connie Corleone’s evolution over the three films? She went from being the fragile little sister to straight-up assassin by The Godfather Part III.

A complete transformation!

Why would anyone growing up Corleone change like that?

And who knew you could kill people with cannolis! I wonder if Talia Shire picked up a few tips on toughness from a Southpaw slugger in Philly.

Plus!

And the whole Vatican corruption subplot? Nope, not interested in intrigue, real-world scandals, or the idea of a crime family getting involved with high-stakes politics.

That just sounds too complicated. I’m grateful I don’t have to deal with any of that pesky “historical depth” stuff. Who wants to think when watching a movie? Not me!

So again, thank you to everyone who saved me from watching The Godfather Part III. I was able to miss out on a compelling emotional journey, top-tier acting, stunning direction, and a rich narrative—all things that could have ruined my day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Sharknado. At least I know that won’t make me think.