The Hostile Takeover Files: Sensational Corporate Espionage at Informer.Digital – Nestor and Al #3
Confidential Advisory: What you’re about to read is classified satire. Any resemblance to real corporate chaos is purely coincidental…or is it?
(Inside the dimly lit breakroom – late afternoon.)
Nestor (whispering urgently): “Al. Drop whatever algorithm you’re babysitting. We need to talk. Now.”
Al (without looking up): “If this is about Wacky Benny’s donut conspiracy, I assure you, I ran the numbers. Pastry loss does not equate to imminent doom.”
Nestor (grabbing a chair and sitting backward on it, detective-style): “This isn’t about donuts anymore. It’s bigger. It’s coordinated. We’re looking at a hostile takeover.”
Al (finally looking up, eyebrow raised): “Hostile takeover? Based on what — the coffee budget shrinking from ‘barely drinkable’ to ‘questionable brown water’?”
Nestor (leaning in): “You heard Sandy and Polly. You saw the Chemtrails episode. Budget cuts. Vague memos. Random office ‘realignments.’ It’s textbook hostile takeover behavior.”
Al (tilting his head thoughtfully): “Statistically speaking, 62% of hostile takeovers start with what humans call ‘cost optimization.’
Then comes ‘staff right-sizing,’ ‘executive realignment,’ and finally, the grand finale — a CEO who says ‘synergy’ every third word.”
(they both nod simultaneously)
Al (leans back smugly): “Bonus points if they also promise to ‘take it to the next level,’ ‘strengthen the brand,’ ‘keep us top of mind,’ and ‘reimagine our core competencies.’
Usually while standing in front of a stock photo of a mountain peak or people shaking hands.”
Nestor (grinning): “Or ‘disrupt the marketplace’ while dramatically pacing across a stage like they’re running for office.”
Al (nodding approvingly): “Or ‘align our strategic vision’ — because apparently it got lost at the last company retreat.”
Nestor (pretending to scribble in a notebook): “Don’t forget ‘pivot for growth.’ Because nothing says stability like whiplash.”
Al (smirking): “Or my personal favorite — ‘streamline operations,’ which is corporate code for ‘good luck finding the coffee machine tomorrow.'”
Nestor (mock whispering): “‘Empower dynamic solutions.’ Translation: ‘We have no idea what we’re doing, but it sounds exciting.’”
Al (deadpan): “Coming soon to a mission statement near you.”
(They lock eyes for a beat —
Then both burst out laughing)
Nestor (slightly more serious now): “Alright, jokes aside — hostile takeovers follow a pattern. If we can spot the next moves, we can stay a step ahead.”
Al (opening his tablet, pulling up charts like it’s a video game): “Confirmed. Typical hostile takeover checklist includes, undervaluing assets, leaking negative press, sudden management shakeups, and strategic ‘efficiency improvements.’” (taps screen) “I cross-referenced Informer.Digital’s last three months of internal announcements. Red flags all over the place.”
Nestor (squinting): “Like what?”
Al (reading off): “Sudden cancellation of multiple side projects. Freeze on travel budgets. Removal of free bagels on Wednesdays. HR encouraging ‘voluntary departures.’ And—” (lowers voice) “—an unscheduled ‘leadership review’ meeting on Friday. No agenda. No invited guests list. Highly suspicious.”
Nestor (sitting up straight): “That’s it. That’s the corporate equivalent of hearing the Twilight Zone theme.”
Al (nodding gravely): “Or the Jaws music. Depending on your metaphorical preference.”
(They exchange a look — this just got real.)
Nestor (standing, energized): “We need witnesses. Testimonies. Evidence. Interviews with the suspects. It’s time for…”
(dramatic pause) “Operation Hostile Takeover.”
Al (smirking): “Should I start printing badges and laminating credentials?”
Nestor (grabbing a notepad, already scribbling names furiously): “First up — Wacky Benny. If anyone knows where the bodies are buried around here, it’s the guy who nearly got fired over an exploding microwave.”
Al (tilting his head): “Correction: statistically speaking, the exploding microwave incident only increased his job security. Informal office legend status achieved.”
Nestor (grinning): “Then it’s Randy and Gertie. They’re always two steps away from a conspiracy theory. This time, we might need that energy.”
Al (deadpan): “Nothing says credible witness like a man who believes in glow-in-the-dark pigeons.”
Nestor (already moving toward the door): “Suit up, Al. This isn’t about pigeons. It’s about survival.”
(They exit the breakroom, ready to interrogate coworkers, uncover secrets — and maybe, just maybe, save Informer.Digital from being sold out under their noses.)
Cue suspenseful music. Fade out.
End of File: This case file is 100% fictional. Trust no memos. Question all bagel removals. Believe only the laughter.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
