In an era of Sci-Fi movies peeking into the future, wouldn’t it be the most mind-blowingly impossible dream come true if science concocted the ultimate cure for the world’s most persistent plague?
Not a virus, mind you—something far more insidious.
Jerks.
Imagine a world where dirtbag behavior, the endless parade of entitled individuals, and Mr. and Mrs. Me-Gimme-Mine (plus their four kids) could be cured with a simple shot. Just one little prick (pun intended), and poof—no more jerks.
The mere thought of a vaccine that could curb snarky comments, temper tantrums, and egotistical monologues might seem too good to be true. But hey, we’ve put a man on the moon, so why not cure jerkiness?
Since we’re shooting for the moon, let’s turn this whole thing into a new streaming channel called Utopian Vision. And let’s see who would be eligible for the ultimate personality makeover.
Would it be based on a jerkometer scale? A high-tech device that ranks everyone from “mildly annoying” to “full-blown jackass”? Or maybe we’d have a special committee—let’s call them the National Committee for the Eradication of Buttheads—gathering in a secret bunker, poring over footage of bad parking jobs, passive-aggressive emails, and every “reply-all” offender since 1997.
Or better yet, why not turn it into a game show? “Who’s Jerk Enough”—where contestants debate their eligibility for the vaccine, judged by a panel of grocery store cashiers, DMV workers, and that poor soul who has to listen to customer complaints all day at Comcast.
But let’s not overcomplicate things. We can just play it safe and go with the obvious choices. Politicians, influencers, the idiot writing this article, the designer of the 737 Max, or just that one person who cuts in line at the coffee shop every morning.
Now remember, like any Big Pharma commercial, this magical brew will come with a laundry list of side effects.
Contact your physician immediately if you experience any of the following for more than four hours:
Increased kindness.
Excessive niceness.
An unexpected urge to hold doors open for everyone.
In rare cases, recipients may break out in spontaneous displays of politeness, like nodding along during boring conversations or—brace yourselves—offering someone the last slice of pizza. If this occurs, lie down immediately and recite three angry tweets to regain your natural jerk equilibrium.
And there’s always the possibility that messing with Jerk DNA could go horribly wrong. Could this vaccine trigger a mutation in the jerk genome? Suddenly we have a new strain called Dipstick Varmint—a bizarre hybrid of people who talk during movies, cut you off in traffic, and then flip you off for good measure.
Or worse, the vaccine could unintentionally amplify jerk traits, creating new, deadlier forms—like the dreaded Social Media Know-It-All variant or the equally terrifying Meeting-That-Should-Have-Been-an-Email Mutant.
Have we doomed ourselves to a world where the jerks will inherit the Earth? Could society collapse as they overrun us, forming a global empire of smugness?
Actually, they wouldn’t survive long on their own. Jerks need someone to unleash their jerkiness onto. Without us, their natural prey, they’d turn on each other in a frenzy of interrupted conversations, misused air quotes, and epic mansplaining battles.
Damn!
I really thought we were on to something here. I was almost looking forward to family get-togethers, running into that buffoon from accounting in the break room, and only looking at one picture of other people’s kids.
But, honestly, life would be boring without a few challenging characters to spice things up. Sure, a jerk-free world sounds tempting, but let’s face it—without jerks, who would we blame for everything?
From that guy who takes up two parking spots to politicians whose only skill is reading a teleprompter like it’s Shakespeare, we need them for balance. Otherwise, we might all just float around being agreeable, and where’s the fun in that?
So until the jerk vaccine emerges from the misty depths of scientific discovery and makes the world a much more harmonious place, let’s keep our eye rolls sharp and our witty comebacks ready.
And of course, please remember to unleash civility responsibly.
