In a groundbreaking study (that you may or may not find on the back of a candy wrapper), new research reveals startling insights about two well-known Americans and their Halloween treat choices.
The psychology behind candy selection goes far beyond mere sugar cravings—it speaks volumes about the country’s future, asterisked sports records, and… toenail clipping schedules?
According to highly reliable sources (my elderly Aunt who likes to play with an old deck of tarot cards) Kamala Harris and her campaign workers, in an act of caramel-coated defiance, have been spotted purchasing more caramel nougat candy than anyone else in the political arena.
Experts in candy-fueled behavioral analysis claim this subtle caramel acquisition signals a deep-seated desire to overhaul the entire American sports record system.
Why?
Well, as the research suggests, Harris wants the United States to adopt the metric system—because nothing says “progress” like measuring football fields in meters instead of yards.
Harris’s caramel nugget stockpiling reflects an urgent wish to slap an asterisk next to every sports record, reminding future generations that these feats were achieved before we started “keeping track of things in the proper metric fashion.”
And to help keep score, Harris’s bold stance has paved the way for an entirely new industry: Abacus Record Tracking, Inc.
That’s right—an army of professional record-keepers, armed with abacuses (or is it abaci?), poised to tally points and recount old records the old-school way, one bead at a time.
We’ll need to wait for the next Halloween to see if Harris and her team upgrade to peanut butter cups, which researchers speculate might mean they’re eyeing the electoral college next.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the candy aisle, Donald Trump has reportedly amassed an impressive stockpile of gummies, suckers, and popcorn balls.
While this sounds innocent enough, our team of “candyologists” (which we assure you is a very real discipline) has concluded that his affinity for gummies and popcorn balls reflects an equally unusual desire: to enforce a national toenail-clipping schedule, confined strictly to Wednesdays and Thursdays.
Why?
We can only speculate, but apparently, this would pave the way for a brand-new waste management venture dedicated to toenail recycling, transforming discarded clippings into festive Christmas decorations.
The company, Clip & Cheer Recycling Inc., is expected to rake in millions, especially if they land a big holiday partnership with the Department of Ornamentation and Completely Absurd Decorations (DOCAD).
But the real question remains: could this completely fabricated research and baseless commentary on Halloween candy hold untapped potential for shaping voter behavior ahead of an election?
It’s the age-old question: are we all secretly candy-swayed at the polls?
As these Halloween treats spark debates around candy-buying patterns and policy implications, one thing is clear: this study has reminded us just how important it is to keep our sweets—and our satire—within reach this election season.
