🎥 Lara Croft Tough, Confident, Sexy and Thrilling: Jolie vs. Vikander vs. Turner! Who Did It Best #1
Satire Disclaimer
This episode parodies pop-culture brawls where nobody is wrong, everybody is loud, and the algorithm wins.
No tombs were harmed, though several egos were raided for sport.
(Studio lights flare. Nova scrolls on her phone, grinning like she just broke the Internet.)
NOVA (loud): It’s official! Sophie Turner is the new Lara Croft for TV. Production starts next year. The memes are already historic.
CORNELIUS (grand, hand to chest): Memes? Please. When I was your age, Angelina Jolie defined Lara Croft and adventure. She wasn’t playing a role, she was cinematic destiny in leather pants.
SANDY (deadpan, cutting in): And cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass. Two Lara Croft films. One legend. The math is complete. Next topic please.
POLLY (snapping open a magazine): Excuse me? Alicia Vikander is the only Lara Croft who didn’t look like she had a personal glam squad hiding behind every boulder. Survival chic. Boots that say, “I can out-climb patriarchy and a cliff.”
CORNELIUS (snorts): Wearable? We’re not dressing mannequins, Polly. We’re crowning a myth. Jolie stepped into the room and the room paid rent.
SANDY (smirks): Meanwhile, Vikander holstered coupons. Angelina holstered confidence.
POLLY (bristling): My argument is evolution, darling. Jolie gave us the icon, yes. But Alicia gave us the survivor. Finally, a Lara Croft who doesn’t give you sympathy back pain.
NOVA (snapping): You two are fossils. Sophie Turner hasn’t even filmed yet, and she’s already won TikTok. Fan edits are feral. Archaeological thirst traps? Historic. The new Lara Croft!
POLLY (rolling eyes): Memes aren’t receipts.
CORNELIUS: Idolizing shadows! Turner hasn’t lifted a single prop pistol, and you’re anointing her queen?
NOVA: It’s called pre-canon engagement, Corny Baby. Sophie carries royal steel from Thrones, cosmic trauma from X-Men.
She can do aristocratic command and apocalypse eyes. The algorithm cast her as Lara Croft. You’re just resisting destiny.
SANDY (sniping): Turner’s going to need those apocalypse eyes when she reads the reviews.
(Rex and Jack barge in like they own the runway.)
REX: I support all Laras equally. For the outfits.
JACK: And because the Illuminati was real, and Jolie warned us in 2001. Triangles don’t lie.
SANDY: You two are why costume departments install padlocks.
REX (ignoring her): Angelina’s silhouettes? Operatic. Alicia’s layers? Survival-editorial. Sophie? Tactical couture with “don’t talk to me before coffee” energy.
JACK: If you zoom into Frame 342 of the Trailer We Haven’t Seen Yet—
SANDY (cutting him off): We haven’t seen it because it doesn’t exist.
JACK (grinning): —you can hear a low hum of destiny. That’s science.
(Voices start overlapping — a wall of chaos.)
CORNELIUS (bellowing): Jolie was the golden age of action heroes!
POLLY (snapping): Alicia was the first Lara you could actually believe in!
NOVA (chanting): Turner Era! Turner Era! Turner Era!
REX: Boots! I love them all in Boots!
JACK: Conspiracy! Boots and conspiracy!
(Wacky Benny pops out from behind a crate, wearing a miner’s helmet.)
WACKY BENNY: Fun fact — the real Lara Croft was a medieval archaeologist who invented spoons, but men called them tiny shovels until the king banned forks for sorcery.
EVERYONE (shouting at once): Shush.
(Zen Cinephile leans in, unbothered.)
ZEN CINEPHILE (calm): Lara Croft is not a woman, but an eternal metaphor for humanity’s pursuit of lost meaning.
NOVA (snaps): Okay, Plato, touch grass.
REX: And let’s not ignore the Lara Croft shorts — tight enough to start International incidents
CORNELIUS (projecting): The debate is settled. Jolie forever!
POLLY (mocking): Until Sophie’s series drops and you binge it in secret.
CORNELIUS (quietly): For scholarly purposes only.
NOVA (smug): Put some respect on the Turner Era. The memes demand it.
REX: Group premiere party?
JACK: Only if the Illuminati validates parking.
(Studio lights cut. A chyron limps across the screen: “OFFICIAL SCOREBOARD — JOLIE: 2 FILMS • VIKANDER: 1 FILM • TURNER: INTERNET.”)
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
