Embracing Perfection
Even though this great big freakin neighborhood we all share is filled with imperfections. There stands one beacon of flawlessness.
Me.
Yes, you lucky devil, you have found the wise old man in the temple of the cave on the mountain top!
Please bear with me because I have only just ascended to the pinnacle of human achievement, so my sea legs are still a bit shaky.
But I assure you every decision I make is now the epitome of wisdom, and every flaw I possess is merely a figment of your imagination.
The News Show Extravaganza
You see I now host a news show or a talk show! Or maybe I should say a show that talks about the news.
Actually I could just be a public figure and have lots of money, which means my opinion about the news is so much more important than yours.
Not necessarily my opinion of the news but my opinion of things that I’ve decided are important so you should think they are too.
In other words, whatever it is I’ve deemed the social issue of the day, I’ll give you my opinion on that.
Ah no matter, just remember I’m the one who’s smarter here because you don’t have celebrity status.
Master of All Trades
I now know more about fashion, food, movies, music, social issues and the entire universe and the next one beyond.
So, gather around as I impart my pearls of wisdom on why it’s absolutely crucial for me, the paragon of perfection, to judge every living soul around me.
Let’s Start With The Basics
As someone who has effortlessly mastered the art of existence, it’s only natural that I take it upon myself to scrutinize the mere mortals who dare to cross my path.
After all, how else will they learn from their countless mistakes if not under the benevolent guidance of yours truly?
I earned my Master’s in the Art of Existence not through education, but by continuously showing up in the media, like that relative you hope doesn’t come to the holiday BBQ.
Oh, the Joys of Superiority!
From the way people think, act, dream or talk nothing escapes my discerning eye.
Because, let’s face it, if I don’t point out their every misstep, who will? Certainly not them, with their inferior intellect and lackluster taste.
The Thrill of Unsolicited Advice
But it’s not just about pointing out flaws; it’s about doing so with an air of condescension so thick, you could cut it with a knife.
For who better to tell you how to live your life than someone who has it all figured out?
Whether it’s your career choices, relationships, or even your taste in toenail clippers, rest assured, I have an opinion, and I’m not afraid to share it.
Embracing Hypocrisy
And let’s not overlook the sheer pleasure of hypocrisy. Oh, the sweet irony of criticizing others for their shortcomings while conveniently ignoring my own.
But fear not, dear friend, for my flaws are but mere specks in the vast ocean of my brilliance.
Besides, who has time for self-reflection when there are so many others to judge?
So, there you have it! As the undisputed champion of perfection, it is my solemn duty to judge and critique every living soul around me. For how else will they bask in the radiant glow of my superiority?
And remember, my friend, if you ever find yourself in need of guidance, just look to me, the epitome of perfection, because I have a show and you don’t.
