The Ultimate Miami Vice Reboot: The Entire Glorious ’80s All at Once!
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape—especially the endless cycle of television and film reboots.
Because let’s be honest: taking something old, slapping on a brighter coat of neon, and calling it “new” is apparently easier than creating original ideas.
Or is it? If we can dream up a ridiculous mash-up maybe originality isn’t that hard after all.
Polly: Hey, did you see this? I was scrolling through Variety this morning, and apparently they’re doing a Miami Vice reboot.
Joseph Kosinski—you know, the guy who directed Top Gun: Maverick and F1—is at the helm. They’re filming it for IMAX, and it drops August 6, 2027.
Sandy: A Miami Vice reboot. Of course. Because Hollywood can’t resist a reboot. Why create anything new when you can just keep rebooting the same neon blazers and speedboats?
Cornelius: When I was your age, television actually created new shows. Now it’s reboot after reboot and now a Miami Vice reboot. The corpse of originality is twirling in its grave like a breakdancer in parachute pants.
Nova: Please. If they’re doing a Miami Vice reboot, then reboot everything. One show at a time is boring. Give us the ultimate ’80s reboot crossover universe.
Gracie: Start with Crockett and Tubbs making the big bust in the Miami Vice reboot. Classic. Pastel suits, sockless loafers, Phil Collins blasting.
Jack: Then haul the suspects straight into a Night Court reboot. Judge Harry Stone, Dan the DA, Christine, Bull—it’s like sentencing criminals at a comedy club.
Dana: And after the trial?
Max: They’re sentenced to suburban purgatory in a Knots Landing reboot.
Dana: Prison cul-de-sac. HOA fees included. That beats a Miami Vice reboot!
Polly: Cul-de-sac probation. I’d watch that over half the prestige dramas right now.
Sandy: With Tony Danza as the housekeeper-slash-warden. Only nobody knows who’s the boss in this better than a Miami Vice reboot.
Cornelius: Until Dynasty gets rebooted and crashes the cul-de-sac. Bigger hair, bigger martinis, bigger betrayals.
Nova: Don’t forget Jessica Fletcher. Every reboot needs a murder solved, otherwise the ratings don’t climb.
Gracie: Plus the A-Team reboot. Explosions, van chases, cigar chomping.
Jack: And a Simon & Simon reboot. Two brothers fumbling their way into the wrong subplot, as usual.
Crockett (storming in): Hold it right there. We can’t even have our own Miami Vice reboot without you people dragging in Simon & Simon?
Tubbs: Exactly. This was supposed to be our neon moment!
Hannibal (lighting a cigar): Kid, I love it when a reboot comes together.
B.A. Baracus: I pity the fool who thinks this reboot don’t need the A-Team.
Jessica Fletcher: Forgive me, but doesn’t sentencing criminals to a cul-de-sac violate several constitutional rights?
Dan Fielding (from Night Court): Constitutional rights? Lady, I barely respect traffic lights.
Alexis Carrington (Dynasty): Darlings, if this reboot happens, I demand final wardrobe approval. Sequins and shoulder pads or nothing.
Tony Danza: Look, I’ll run the cul-de-sac, but seriously—who’s the boss of this reboot?
Rick Simon (Simon & Simon): Uh, not us. We just lost the car again.
A.J. Simon: Don’t tell them that!
Crockett: Forget the script—what about the cars? I want two white Ferrari Testarossas for the reboot, because you can’t reboot neon without horsepower.
Tubbs: And my Cadillac convertible. But make it neon blue this time—to keep it fresh. Plus, mandatory sailboats and speedboats. Otherwise, is it even Miami?
Hannibal: Cute. But the A-Team van’s getting rocket launchers. Non-negotiable.
B.A.: And a tank. Every reboot needs a tank.
Face: Just give me a convertible to pick up women. That’s my contract rider.
Dan Fielding: Please, I require a stretch limo for my courtroom commute. Leather seats, tinted windows.
Bull: Nah. Just give me a pogo stick. Bailiffs bounce.
Alexis Carrington: Rolls-Royces. A champagne-colored fleet to match my lifestyle. And a helicopter pad in the cul-de-sac prison, minimum.
Tony Danza: What’s wrong with a station wagon? Reliable, practical…
Everyone (in unison): Shut up, Tony!
Jessica Fletcher: I’ll take a Schwinn bicycle. I bet I roll into Miami, and solve three murders before Crockett finds his car keys.
Rick Simon: Still haven’t found ours. Anyone see a beat-up Ford pickup?
A.J. Simon: We had it this morning, I swear.
Sandy: You see? This reboot practically writes itself.
Polly: Hollywood won’t do it, though. They’ll just stick with one lonely Miami Vice reboot and call it a day.
Cornelius: Which is why their box office will be decent, but our all-in reboot would dominate the culture.
Nova: Imagine the merch. ’80s crossover Funko Pops. Neon cul-de-sac Lego sets. Jessica Fletcher murder mystery board games.
Gracie: Plus sports tie-ins. The A-Team versus Crockett & Tubbs in flag football. That’s ratings gold.
Jack: Or a reboot halftime show: Dynasty catfight at the 50-yard line.
Dana: DIY costumes too—Tony Danza warden aprons.
Max: And pastel sockless loafers you can assemble at home.
Sandy: All of which proves one thing—if we can mash up the entire ’80s into a coherent reboot, maybe originality isn’t dead.
Polly: It’s just waiting in a cul-de-sac outside Dallas.
Nova: Coming soon—Miami Vice: The Cul-de-Sac Conspiracy. The only reboot worth buying a ticket for.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
