NCIS: Tony and Ziva: The Extreme Comedy of Professional Help When It’s Not Needed – See You Next Thursday 2
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody modern media protocols, overzealous industry trends, and the delightful absurdity of applying standard procedures to legendary TV chemistry.
If you’ve ever tried to teach a dolphin how to swim or offered fire safety tips to the sun, this award show was designed for you.
See You Next Thursday Award: The Intimacy Coordinator Who Wasn’t Needed
NELLY: This week’s See You Next Thursday award goes to someone whose job we deeply respect—but whose assignment felt a little like bringing a life vest to a hot tub.
PROFESSOR: That’s right. The intimacy coordinator who bravely reported for duty on the set of NCIS: Tony and Ziva—only to be told, “We’re good. We’ve been smoldering since 2005.”
NELLY: It’s true. Cote de Pablo and Michael Weatherly—the iconic Tony and Ziva—have known each other for years. They’ve stared across desks, dodged bullets, exchanged glances that could melt titanium, and now they’re back in NCIS: Tony and Ziva, premiering September 4th on Paramount+.
PROFESSOR: Before we move on, I just have to ask—where exactly does one learn to become an “intimacy coordinator”?
NELLY: Is there a university for that? Like, “Welcome to Touchington Academy. Please keep hands inside the syllabus at all times.”
PROFESSOR: Do they issue a badge? Or is it more of a trust fall with benefits?
NELLY: Maybe you apprentice under a retired soap opera director. One who refers to every scene as “the moment of moist tension.”
PROFESSOR: Because when I was in school, coordinating intimacy usually involved bad cologne, poor judgment, and an apology note the next day.
NELLY: Not a course. Not a certification. Just vibes. And consequences.
PROFESSOR: Let’s break it down.
Freshman Year: Intro to Heavy Breathing
Sophomore Year: Advanced Eyebrow Raises
NELLY: Junior Year: Consent 301: Read the Room, Carl.
Senior Capstone: Simulated Longing Under Stage Lighting with Foam Barriers
PROFESSOR: Optional electives include:
Whispering 101 — for scenes set in candlelight.
Slow Buttoning Techniques — for period dramas where nothing happens, but everything simmers.
Emergency Blanket Deployment — because no one rehearses a kiss next to a space heater on purpose.
NELLY: Graduates receive:
A laminated certificate,
A clipboard,
And the superhuman ability to say, “Let’s choreograph the hand placement,” without bursting into tears.
PROFESSOR: And when they were offered an intimacy coordinator—standard practice in modern productions—Cote simply said: “No thanks. We don’t need one.” And honestly? She wasn’t wrong.
NELLY: Because NCIS: Tony and Ziva doesn’t need help in the chemistry department.
That ship has sailed, exploded, crash-landed, and been rebuilt stronger each time. Tony and Ziva didn’t just flirt—they invented a whole new dialect of sexual tension.
PROFESSOR: Imagine trying to choreograph a kiss between Tony and Ziva. That’s like offering Beyoncé dance lessons or explaining to a cat how to ignore you.
NELLY: Let’s rewind.
In the original NCIS, Tony and Ziva started as sparring partners—he was the wisecracking goofball, she was the deadly Mossad operative who could snap your neck mid-eyeroll.
It was enemies-to-partners-to-lovers before TikTok knew how to ship anything.
PROFESSOR: And we watched it happen. Slowly. Torturously. Beautifully. Over a decade of near-misses, longing glances, whispered confessions, and emotionally devastating departures. It wasn’t just romance. It was earned.
NELLY: So when NCIS: Tony and Ziva rolls out this fall, you better believe fans are ready to watch these two light up the screen again.
Not because a coordinator arranged the angle of a lip brush—but because the magic between Tony and Ziva doesn’t need to be directed. It just needs to be filmed.
🔥 [Sudden Interruption — Enter Jack and Rex]
JACK: Sorry—jumping in for a second. Can we just talk about Ziva?
REX: Oh thank God, someone said it. Look, when they killed Kate early in NCIS, I was devastated.
I was like, “I’m out. That’s it. No more.” And then—
JACK: Then Ziva walked in.
And I said, “Wait a minute.
She’s Mossad.
She’s lethal.
She’s drop-dead gorgeous. Okay, fine—I’m back in.”
REX: You remember the early Tony and Ziva scenes? All that banter? The fights? The little moments in elevators? The tension in those pencil skirts?
NELLY: Pencil skirts?
JACK: Every outfit Ziva ever wore deserved its own Emmy.
REX: Real talk: if I ever have to be assassinated… I want it to be Ziva. You think I can put that in a will?
PROFESSOR: Gentlemen, thank you for that deeply unfiltered tribute.
Please go back to… wherever it is you shout things at televisions.
JACK: Always good to see you too Professor. Really good subject this week!
PROFESSOR: And so, with all due affection, we issue this week’s See You Next Thursday Award to the real culprit behind the over-coordination of Tony and Ziva’s undeniable chemistry:
NELLY: Paramount+—because only they could look at the longest slow-burn romance in TV history and think, “You know what this needs? Guidelines.”
PROFESSOR: This is the same Paramount+ that just canceled The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, because nothing screams “sound decision-making” like axing America’s favorite satirical genius and then trying to choreograph Tony and Ziva’s kissing angle.
NELLY: Trying to direct Tony and Ziva’s romance is like giving a TED Talk on charisma to Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie.
And cancelling Colbert? That’s just aggressively anti-fun.
PROFESSOR: So yes, Paramount+, this one’s for you.
NELLY: You’ve proven that even when you bring back something perfect like this, you’ll still find a way to insert a clipboard and ruin a vibe.
PROFESSOR: NCIS: Tony and Ziva premieres September 4. And we will be watching. Passionately. Inappropriately. Without guidance.
NELLY: Because we trust Tony and Ziva.
PROFESSOR: We just don’t trust you.
BOTH: See you next Thursday.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
