Nicole Kidman: The Epic Screenplay 2025 – A Delightful Storm of Witty, Non-Lethal Revenge!
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire inspired by recent headlines.
No, Nicole Kidman hasn’t hired us to write her revenge, and no, we’re not suggesting actual violence, divorce sabotage, or therapy by flash mob. What we are suggesting is that sometimes the best revenge is a great screenplay.
If Hollywood insists on turning heartbreak into spectacle, why not let Nicole Kidman star in the ultimate revenge comedy — with our newsroom pitching in the absurd ideas?
Think of it as cinematic group therapy, fueled by sarcasm, caffeine, and a little too much gum-snapping.
Polly (snapping her gum): Okay, so here’s the screenplay pitch. Nicole Kidman finds out her rock-star husband left her for a ‘younger woman in the business’.
But instead of crying, she decides to make him regret every cliché choice he’s ever made. It’s satire, not tragedy.
Think Gone Girl, but with yoga pants, sarcasm, and revenge that doesn’t involve the police.
Gracie (crossing her arms): Yes! Scene one: she rents billboards all over Nashville that say ‘Congratulations on Your Midlife Crisis!’ with his face Photoshopped onto a toddler’s body holding a guitar.
Sandy (deadpan): Even better — Nicole Kidman shows up at his concert, but instead of booing, she organizes a flash mob of women dressed like his new girlfriend. Hundreds of ‘younger women in the business’ swarming the stage. That’s what I call performance art.
Nova (grinning): Don’t forget the merch. She launches a rival tour called ‘The Betrayed World Tour’. Every t-shirt has his worst lyrics on the front with ‘FIXED’ corrections on the back. It sells out in two hours.
Nelly (sipping tea): And she steals his signature move — but makes it bigger. Like, if he smashes guitars, Nicole Kidman smashes grand pianos. If he sings about love, she sings about divorce settlements — in three-part harmony with her girlfriends.
Cornelius (adjusting his bow tie, very serious): She also dates someone younger, but instead of another musician, it’s a TikTok star who only lip-syncs sea shanties. The paparazzi go insane. His ego implodes.
Nova (laughing): You know, it’s too bad Nicole Kidman never got the chance to make Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2. Because let’s be honest — the first one with Brad and Angelina now looks like divorce with automatic weapons.
Sandy (deadpan): Divorce with live ammo. Should’ve won Best Reality Show.”
Gracie (smirking): Wait — we could still make Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2. Just cast Nicole Kidman… and pair her with a discount knockoff version of Keith. You know, the kind of guy you’d find playing acoustic covers at the mall food court.
Cornelius (grandly): Or better yet — replace him with an avatar. No salary negotiations, no tantrums, just pixelated betrayal!
The Professor (chuckling): Please. A mannequin in a cowboy hat would give a more convincing performance at this point.
Polly (snapping her gum louder): Fine, but we’re calling it Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2: The Alimony Ultimatum. Starring Nicole Kidman, naturally.
Professor (clearing his throat like it’s a lecture): Exactly. No blood, no crime — just death by humiliation, irony, and memes.
That’s the revenge story Hollywood actually needs right now. Call it: ‘The Ex Factor.’ Starring Nicole Kidman, of course.
Jack (swaggering in): You know what, ladies? I’m actually proud of you all. Because not one of you has suggested anything evil should happen to Keith’s “little guitar”.
Rex (snickering, elbowing Jack): Yeah, restraint. Real classy. I thought for sure one of you would’ve said the wood’s warped, the action’s too high, and nobody wants to strum it.
Jack: Or the strap broke years ago, so now it just kind of leans on the amp for support.
Rex: And I was kind of expecting, he swears it’s still got a few gigs left, but the audience left after soundcheck.
Jack: Don’t forget, the strings are loose, the frets are worn, and nobody’s tuned it in years
Gracie (eye-roll so sharp it cuts glass): Don’t flatter yourself, boys. Nobody cares about his little guitar — or the one slung over his shoulder either.
Sandy (deadpan, sipping coffee): Exactly. We’re professionals here. We humiliate, we mock, we sell tickets. Destruction is for amateurs.
Polly (snapping her gum with finality): Besides, if Nicole Kidman wanted to break something, it wouldn’t be wood and strings. It’d be his ego. When he finally realizes how much he’s lost.
Rex: Time for one more. It’s got a custom strap made of denial and orthopedic leather.
Sandy (deadpan, setting down her coffee): Let’s face it — Keith’s little guitar has only been strumming one note for years and Nicole just unplugged it.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
