Abstract
In an earth-shattering discovery that will leave scientists and witches alike cackling with delight, the esteemed “Institute of Improbable Thermal Investigations” (IITI) has unveiled a groundbreaking study on the thermal properties of witch mammary tissue during the coldest month of the year: January.
The Findings?
It is, in fact, scientifically colder than a witch’s tit in January.
Methodology
Our highly dubious yet entirely imaginative research team spared no effort in ensuring the utmost pseudo-scientific rigor:
Participants: 37 self-identified witches recruited from covens worldwide, plus 20 college freshmen volunteers who eagerly offered their ‘hands-on’ assistance in the name of science (and maybe free pizza). Their mission: to feel up the witches on New Year’s Eve and then again right after the stroke of midnight, rigorously comparing their findings for groundbreaking thermal research.
Technology: We also employed Cutting-edge Boob Thermometer™ devices, painstakingly calibrated to detect supernatural chill, to double check the freshmen’s findings.
Variables Controlled:
Insulating properties of witch hats.
Aerodynamic effects of broomstick wind chill.
Proximity to enchanted cauldrons.
Measurements were conducted during peak January cold snaps in key witch hotspots, including Salem, Transylvania, and the discount Halloween aisle at Walmart.
The data paints a frosty picture:
Temperature Drop: Witch breasts experience a statistically significant cooling of 2.7°C (approximately 37 degrees Fahrenheit for our metrically challenged readers).
Magical Metabolic Cooling: Increased spell-casting during winter appears to siphon heat away from critical regions, including the “witch mammary zone.”
Solstice Chill Effect: The lingering energy of the winter solstice amplifies the icy aura around witches, particularly those who specialize in frost-based curses.
Supernatural Thermal Dynamics: Witches, it turns out, have a unique physiological quirk known as Reverse Thermoregulation, which draws cold inward like a thermal vacuum.
Expert Commentary
Dr. Frostina Chillsworth, lead researcher and part-time ice sculptor, had this to say:
“Our findings definitively prove what idioms have long suggested. January is brutal for witches—particularly for their, uh, upper extremities. This research is a chilling reminder that science and folklore can intersect in delightful ways.”
Professor Hexenhammer, witchcraft historian:
“This is the most important witch-related discovery since we confirmed their cats are actually government tracking devices.”
Dr. Snowella Freezebuns, thermodynamics enthusiast:
“I propose we develop enchanted thermal bras to combat this seasonal plight. We can call them Tundra Titty Warmers™.”
Public Reaction
The revelation has sparked widespread concern and action!
A GoFundMe campaign titled “Blankets for Bewitched Bosoms” has already raised $47.38.
Covens worldwide are demanding thermal-resistant cloaks and an end to broomstick joyrides during cold snaps.
The National Alliance for Witch Comfort (NAWC) released a statement, calling the findings “both enlightening and chilling.”
The Grabbing Conclusion
The research is conclusive: it really is colder than a witch’s tit in January. While the world celebrates this breakthrough in mystical science, witches everywhere are bracing for even frostier winters.
Disclaimer
This study, while clearly the pinnacle of faux-scientific achievement, is entirely satirical nonsense.
Any resemblance to actual witches, research institutes, or mystical thermostats is purely coincidental and meant solely for comedic purposes.