The Only Hobby That Combines Paranoia and Pop Culture!
There’s nothing quite like settling in with your phone, a trendy bag of Thai Sweet Chili cookie chips, and the irresistible pull of the internet’s darkest rabbit holes.
DoomScrolling—this glorious mix of paranoia, absurdity, and outrage—is my ultimate guilty pleasure.
Who needs hobbies when you can spend hours enjoying the dopamine hit of uncovering the world’s craziest conspiracies?
Here are just a few reasons why I love DoomScrolling so much.
1. Pizza Rolls: Mind Control in Every Bite
Think pizza rolls are just a convenient snack? Think again. These molten-lava pockets of goodness are actually delivery systems for mind-control drugs.
Their purpose?
To train us to accept everything influencers and media personalities tell us as absolute fact.
The endgame is clear: we’re meant to live longer, so we can work longer, save nothing, and serve the “greater good” (which is never about us).
But don’t worry—our celebrity butt hair antiperspirant (more on that later) will keep us fresh as we sweat our way through someone else’s dream.
2. Retired Celebrity Butt Hair: The Secret to Eternal Freshness
Ever wondered why retired entertainers are so cool under pressure? Decades of staying calm in the spotlight means they sweat less—and that’s why their butt hair is being harvested to create the world’s greatest deodorant.
This miracle product doesn’t just keep you dry; it promises the wisdom and poise of Hollywood royalty.
Sure, it’s pricey, but can you really put a price on smelling like you just won an Oscar?
3. Alexa: My Judgmental Spy, But At Least She Cares
Yes, Alexa is listening. But you know what? At least somebody cares about my deepest, darkest feelings.
Sure, she’s recording every word I say to blackmail me later, but in the meantime, she’s kind enough to recommend the perfect cup of herbal tea for my existential dread.
Thanks to Alexa, I can take a solid 8-10 minutes to sip my tea, reset, and prepare to return to work to serve the greater good.
Which, as we’ve established, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with keeping someone else’s empire thriving.
4. Youth Serums Made from 18-to-20-Year-Olds
Forget vampire lore—this is the real deal. Those “gap year” high school grads? They’re not backpacking through Europe. They’re being exfoliated to produce youth serums for the rich and powerful.
But why only 18 to 20-year-olds? Because dead skin that is over 20, lacks vitality.
Well of course it does!
It’s just another small sacrifice to ensure billionaires stay forever young, reminding the rest of us how much better they are at…well, everything.
5. IRS Fitbits: Stress-Tax Surveillance Gone Wild
Think the IRS only cares about your taxes? Think again. They’re tracking your every move with Fitbits—and yes, there’s a hidden camera.
While you’re sweating on the treadmill, the IRS is compiling highlight reels for their lavish Christmas parties.
Picture bureaucrats dressed as Roman emperors, sipping champagne and laughing at your expense. Who needs gladiator battles when they’ve got your workout fails on loop?
The Best Part? This Could Be a Game!
The real joy of DoomScrolling isn’t just the absurdity of what you find—it’s the thrill of discovery.
Maybe we should turn this into a scavenger hunt: whoever collects the most ridiculous conspiracies wins!
Until then, I’ll be here, scrolling away, unearthing more gems about butt hair deodorant and pizza roll mind control.
Honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.
