In an unprecedented move, Russia has slapped Google with a jaw-dropping fine of 2 undecillion rubles – that’s a 2 followed by 36 zeroes.
This “virtually unpronounceable” penalty could fund the global economy hundreds of times over and apparently dwarfs the value of every human innovation in history combined.
The reason? Google’s refusal to unblock pro-Russian channels on YouTube has landed it in hot water with the Kremlin, and the penalties are doubling by the week.
But rather than cracking open the coffers for such an abstract figure, we propose a more practical solution: a “service-for-service” bartering system to settle this grand debt.
And of course, as a humble internet magazine, we at Informer.Digital are generously offering our expert mediation services (at a modest fee) to help facilitate this historic transaction.
Below, we outline how Google can, in lieu of cash, charge Russia for its activities in Ukraine, with itemized billing to keep things fair.
The Barter Breakdown: Counter-Invoicing for Services Rendered
Soldier Rental Fee
Since each Russian soldier stationed in Ukraine is technically “on foreign territory,” Google could propose a rental fee, much like Airbnb for ground forces.
A reasonable hourly rate for each soldier, with overtime for extended “excursions,” should suffice.
Added fees for logistics and “site cleanup” after skirmishes would also be applicable, and all charges could be conveniently monitored via GPS.
Per Projectile Billing
Every bullet, mortar, and missile fired adds to Google’s ever-inflating counter-invoice.
Picture it like Cost-Per-Click in the ad world, only here we’re talking Cost-Per-Bullet (CPB).
Given Google’s data-processing prowess, they could track each projectile down to the street corner.
Bonuses apply for anything that strikes power grids, bridges, or hospitals — since those come with premium repair costs.
Heavy Equipment Surcharge
Russia’s tanks, APCs, and other hardware may be built like they’re unstoppable, but they come with a hefty operating cost.
Think of it as a toll charge for every vehicle that crosses the border.
Each tracked treadprint in Ukrainian soil incurs a surcharge, with additional fees for “on-location inconvenience” like blocking civilian roadways or inconveniencing local residents.
Airspace Toll Fees
Every time a Russian jet streaks across the sky, it’s like paying for a lane in a Google-owned toll booth.
Google could bill each flight over Ukrainian airspace per mile, with bonus fees for each flyover exceeding the “noise pollution threshold.”
Given Google’s skill with data, they could even track fuel usage and exhaust emissions – they are big on going green, after all.
Bomb Drop Tax
This one’s a biggie. Every bomb dropped counts as a “delivery,” and deliveries are expensive.
Google could bill by tonnage and damage radius.
Large-scale explosions could even include “environmental cleanup” charges. If the bomb drops happen in densely populated areas, add in a density multiplier for maximum revenue.
Daily Sabotage and Interference Fees
For every data manipulation, cyberattack, and interference with Ukrainian systems, Google could introduce a “network disruption fee.”
Think of it like paying for excess bandwidth, only here it’s for data misappropriation. Google could then dedicate these fees to cybersecurity reinforcements, offsetting both their cost and Russia’s activity.
Sanctions Accrual Fee
To keep things on par with Russia’s own doubling penalty structure, Google could add a “sanctions surcharge” that escalates weekly.
After all, inflation doesn’t wait for anyone. Just think of it as their fair share for keeping up with the competitive economy of modern sanctions.
In the end, we’re confident that by the time Russia adds up these fees, 2 undecillion rubles might start to sound…manageable.
And if they’d like us to continue representing Google’s interests in this groundbreaking counter-lawsuit?
Our small, totally reasonable facilitation fee will be their only expense – payable in whatever currency works best for them.
We’re here to help, after all.
