Soccer… or Premier League Real Football? Running Riot with an Awesome DIY Game – Dana & Max #2
A Fast-Paced Card Game for Soccer Fans and Football Purists!
Dana: “Hey there, welcome back to another edition of DIY Games with Dana & Max! Today, we’re doing something awesome—you, me, Max, and a deck of playing cards.
That’s all we need to create the ultimate soccer game. Or as Jack Maverick would call it, real football.”
Max: “Actually, Dana, Premier League is real football. You know, the sport where people actually use their feet?”
Dana: “Max, we’ve been through this. In America, we call it Major League Soccer. The world keeps spinning, and we move on.”
Max: “Oh, I see, so what you’re saying is America just knows better than literally the rest of the planet?”
Dana: “I’m saying that if I tell someone I’m watching football, I don’t have to clarify whether there’s a helmet involved.”
Max: “Fine, we’ll call it soccer—for now. But deep down, you know it’s Premier League real football.”
Dana: “Right. Just like deep down, I know I’m about to school you in this game.”
Game Setup (for Premier League real football)
Dana: “We came up with this idea at the Corner Cafe.”
Max: “It’s the perfect place to brainstorm ideas.”
Dana: “Alright, let’s get down to business. Here’s what you need.”
✔ A standard 54-card deck (including both Jokers).
✔ 2 players.
✔ A way to keep score.
Max: “And an open mind, Dana. An open mind.”
Dana: “Sure, Max. Just like I’ll have an open net when I’m scoring all over you.”
Max: “Keep dreaming. Anyway, here’s how we set up Premier League Real Football.”
1. Shuffle the deck thoroughly.
2. Take 10 random cards and place them face-down. These will NOT be used this half.
3. Deal 5 cards to each player. Players will draw one card per turn after playing a card.
4. Decide who goes first:
The visiting team (or a randomly chosen player) starts.
Or flip a coin—winner chooses to attack first or defend first.
The Playing Field & Moving the Ball
Max: “Alright, listen up, because this is where your Premier League real football skills come into play.”
Dana: “You mean soccer skills.”
Max: “Not getting into this again. The field is divided into three sections: your Defensive Third, Midfield, and the Attacking Third. Your job is to move the ball forward by playing red cards (Hearts or Diamonds).”
Dana: “If you play a red card and your opponent doesn’t challenge, congrats—you advance to the next section.”
Max: “But if the defender plays a black card (Spades or Clubs), then we have a challenge. If the black card is equal or higher, they steal possession and take over from the section you were trying to reach.”
Dana: “And if the red card wins, you advance.”
Max: “Unless, of course, you play a Red Jack—then you don’t just move one section, you move two!”
Dana: “That’s right. And if you’re already in the Attacking Third, a Red Jack counts as two possession plays toward setting up a goal.”
Max: “Meanwhile, a Black Jack doesn’t just take possession—it moves the ball forward one extra section.”
Dana: “Fast breaks. Counterattacks. Just like real soc—real football.”
Scoring a Goal
Dana: “Okay, so once you get to the Attacking Third, here’s what happens. You need three successful red cards to take a shot on goal.”
Max: “Unless you’re holding a Red Ace, in which case—BOOM—instant shot. No buildup required.”
Dana: “And just like in real games, your shot can be blocked. The defender can play a black card to make a save. If the black card is equal or higher, no goal.”
Max: “But if the red card is higher, GOAL! And the best part? If you score, the other player starts the next play from their Defensive Third.”
Dana: “Unless they use a Black Ace—the legendary Super Save—which blocks any shot, even a Red Ace.”
Max: “But wait, there’s one more thing that can ruin everything in Premier League…”
The Referee (AKA The Joker)
Dana: “That’s right—the most powerful force in the game: the Joker. A Joker represents a referee’s decision and can be played at any time.”
Max: “If you drop a Joker, it stops everything (best card to represent the ref in Premier League real football). The move is canceled, the ball switches possession, and both cards are discarded.”
Dana: “Basically, it’s a ref handing out a yellow card.”
Max: “Or VAR messing up the game, depending on your perspective.”
Special Card Effects
A Red Jack means Speed Play—if you win the challenge, move two sections instead of one. If you’re already in the Attacking Third, it counts as two possession plays toward taking a shot.
A Black Jack means Counterattack—if you steal possession, you don’t just take it where your opponent was, you move the ball one extra section forward.
A Red Queen means Playmaker Pass—it automatically moves forward one section, ignoring black card challenges (except for a Joker).
A Black Queen means Disrupted Pass—the attacking player does not lose possession, but they must move back one section before trying to advance again.
A Red King means Set Play—it automatically moves forward one section, ignoring black card challenges (except for a Joker), and the player keeps possession.
A Black King means Defensive Wall—it stops any attacking play (except for a Joker).
A Red Ace means Instant Shot—you don’t need possession buildup, you can take a shot immediately.
A Black Ace means Super Save—it blocks any shot attempt, including a Red Ace.
A Joker means Referee Decision (Yellow Card)—it cancels the opponent’s move, discards both cards, and switches possession. A Joker beats everything, including Kings and Aces.
Final Thoughts
Dana: “And that’s it! You’ve got your own soccer game using just a deck of cards.”
Max: “Or, as we all know, Premier League real football.”
Dana: “We’re not doing this again, Max.”
Max: “Fine. But I will be running riot all over you in this Premier League real football game.”
Dana: “We’ll see. Until next time, keep those decks shuffled and your Jokers ready!”
Max: We should just call it Premier League Real Football, don’t you think?
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
