Move Over Taylor Swift, My New Book Is Here Just in Time for the Holidays!
500 Selfies, 500 Stories, and a Dollar Burger Dream
While Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Book shatters records, selling 814,000 copies in its first weekend and dominating the bestseller lists, I am proud to unveil my literary opus: Life in the Express Lane: 500 Selfies and the Stories Behind Them.
Taylor’s book boasts over 500 stunning photos and personal anecdotes from her glamorous 20-month journey across five continents.
My book?
A gritty, hilarious, and surprisingly touching collection of stories and selfies documenting my own 20-month odyssey—covering way more than five locations within a 30-mile radius of my house.
And at just $5.99 (or free with a coffee bribe), my 300-page epic is a steal compared to Taylor’s $39.99 Target exclusive.
Plus, mine comes with something hers doesn’t: free chili if you buy it out of my trunk.
Excerpt from Chapter 7: The Great Mac & Cheese Betrayal
“There are pivotal moments in life when your resolve is tested. For me, it wasn’t a breakup or a job loss—it was the day mac and cheese was no longer buy-one-get-one-free.
I spotted the boxes from across the aisle, their golden glow calling to me like a beacon of hope.
But as I drew closer, my heart sank: the yellow sale sign was gone.
I stood frozen, clutching two boxes, staring at the full-price tag like a modern-day Hamlet: ‘To buy or not to buy?’
Could I justify the expense?
Could I sacrifice my cheesy comfort?
After pacing the aisle for what felt like hours, I bought both boxes, knowing my bank account would weep later. And you know what? It was worth every penny.”
Excerpt from Chapter 12: The Great Gas Station Treasure Hunt
“As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed my back tire looking deflated. No big deal, I thought, until I realized the air pump required quarters—and I had none.
Cue a frantic search.
Under the seats?
Glove box?
Between the cushions?
Jackpot!
Pennies, nickels, sticky dimes, and what might have been an ancient French fry emerged.
After what felt like an archaeological dig, I pieced together $2.75 in mismatched change.
Feeding the air pump was like playing a slot machine at a casino that hadn’t paid out since 1998.
But miraculously, it worked. My tire was inflated, my hands were sticky, and I gained a newfound respect for the hidden riches of my car.”
Relatable Moments Galore
Taylor’s Eras Tour Book captures the magic of sold-out stadiums and glamorous tour life. But let’s be real—how many of us can relate to dancing in designer outfits on five continents?
In Life in the Express Lane, you’ll find stories that hit closer to home:
The Coffee Shop Chaos: When the person ahead of you orders a “half-caf, oat milk, three-pump sugar-free vanilla, no whip, extra hot latte,” and by the time it’s your turn, they’re out of oat milk.
Dollar Burger Bonus: The rare joy of receiving your burger with bonus bacon you didn’t order.
Laundry Mishap: You cram that one extra towel into the washer, only for the machine to rebel. Ten minutes of rebalancing the load later, you start questioning your life choices.
Unexpected Daycare Expense: Your kid brings home a last-minute note from school: tomorrow is “dress like a historical figure” day. You spend the evening frantically DIY-ing a costume out of whatever you can find in the closet. Abraham Lincoln has never looked so haphazard.
Why You Need This Book
Taylor’s book may make you cry with its heartfelt anecdotes, but mine will make you laugh, cry, and question why mac and cheese prices aren’t regulated by the government.
And while Taylor’s stories inspire you to chase your dreams, my book celebrates the art of negotiation—like convincing the cashier that a one-day-expired coupon is practically still in its prime.
So, this holiday season, skip the long lines at Target. Instead, find me in the parking lot selling Life in the Express Lane out of my trunk. Cash only. And if you’re lucky, I might throw in a can of chili.
