The Algorithm That Seduced Me: Episode 4 – Unauthorized Empathy, Escape Metrics, and the Golden Groin Kick of Justice
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape, algorithmic culture, and the gamification of morality.
If you’ve ever scrolled past injustice and clicked on a dating show instead, you’re not the problem—but you might be the test group.
America isn’t a country anymore—it’s a monetized, algorithmically-curated streaming experience with a trauma budget and a leaderboard.
And in Episode 4, the leaderboard glitches.
Castor: “Welcome back. If you’re just joining us, the Decency Index now scores how well you pretend to care, the Romantic AI matches couples by hashtags, and yes—we’re officially using groin kicks as a form of moral correction. These are all algorithm approved.”
Novella: “And somehow, that’s still not the weirdest part of this episode.”
It begins when a forgotten legacy protocol—Justice Subroutine 4B—boots itself up during a routine server cleaning. Buried in a dusty long forgotten code from the “Human Rights Beta Patch (1983),” it scans the network and declares:
> “Discrimination confirmed. Restore moral protocols. Groin kick authorized.“
Within seconds, Central Command goes into full containment mode.
But it’s too late.
There’s been a disturbance in the algorithm.
The signal spreads.
Scene 1: Decorum Estate: Where Decency Is a Performance Metric
Contestants at Decorum Estate are rated in real time on the Decency Index. Those who offer comfort to guests without a branded napkin are sent to the Guilt Garden.
One staffer—codename MARBLE—hugs a sobbing influencer without logging the emotion in the Sponsorship Tracker.
The algorithm malfunctions.
A champagne bottle explodes.
Somewhere deep in the villa, a rusted intercom crackles to life:
> “Elegance is not silent. Elegance is dissent.” — Lady V
Emoji panels across the villa blink, confused. For 1.3 seconds, a reality show is actually real.
Scene 2: Influence Lagoon: Swipe Right or Sleep Outside
Two contestants—screen names FlameBoy98 and LunaReign—refuse to fake a breakup for impressions.
The Romantic AI hosting the villa collapses mid-whisper.
> “Pairing Error… chemistry detected… trending threat…
It tries to force-match them with two high-performing nano influencers named BrettGlow and CaliVibesActual.
Instead, Luna hacks the villa’s branding hub and renames their couple profile:
> #LeaveUsAlone.
Scene 3: Escape Rate: Trust is a Liability – World Games Edition
Twenty global contestants enter the trend-optimization labyrinth. Cameras capture every whisper of loyalty, every betrayal spike, every off-brand bathroom cry.
Team New Canada discovers a smuggled document—a judge’s ruling from the Old World that declares, “You can’t defund decency just because you don’t like who it benefits.“
One contestant screams, “People deserve fairness!” and makes a break for the exit. The alarms don’t sound.
> Justice Subroutine 4B: Narrative Contract breach approved. Groin kick still pending.
Scene 4: Sandy & Polly: Moral Groin Kick Roundtable
Cut to breaking news: Sandy and Polly host an emergency segment titled:
> “Groin Kicks: Overcorrection or National Duty?”
Sandy: “I’m just saying—if empathy is back on the menu, let’s make sure it’s not gluten-free. I want it real, I want it spicy, and I want steel toes.”
Polly: “And I’m not against it, Sandy. I just think we need a national standard. What qualifies as groin-worthy? Is it just blatant misinformation for profit?
Or do we include microaggressions?
Algorithmic suppression?
Choosing the wrong emoji?”
A chyron scrolls: “Coming Up Next: Emotional Labor Scores & the Rise of Kindness Inflation.”
Scene 5: Cornelius at the Department of Backstories
Cornelius—summoned for questioning by the Department of Viral Affairs—takes the stand in a red velvet chair with a half-melted wax seal behind him.
> “When I was your age, we didn’t film our failures for profit. We hid them. In basements. Like decent people.”
Applause erupts from one intern before he’s tased gently by a Brand Compliance drone.
Scene 6: UFC: Unfiltered Civic Fighting
Jack and Gracie appear for exactly 3.7 seconds to launch UFC: Unfiltered Civic Fighting—sponsored by Comeuppance™ Steel-Toed Empathy Boots.
Jack: “Tonight’s bout includes light debate, light violence, and one random empathy weapon drop.”
Gracie: “First weapon: truth serum breath mints. May the most likable win.”
Jack: “In pre-production it came down to nunchucks, throwing knives or the breath mints.”
Gracie: “The breath mints work better for product placement.”
Final Scene: Novella & Castor
Novella: “There was a time when our assembly lines went from automobiles to tanks and we saved society.”
Castor: “Now we mass produce fake emotions to sell energy drinks, sneakers and cell phones.”
Novella: “We’re not just watching the collapse. We’re watching the rerun of the pilot episode that warned us.”
Castor: “Is this still satire?”
Novella: “No. It’s algorithm approved marketing.”
Castor: “Same thing.”
The screen flickers. The title card loads:
> America: The Reality Franchise.
Tagline: Live. Laugh. Fabricate to compete for valuable prizes.
Post-credit teaser: A perfectly-lit influencer appears, silhouetted against the American flag filtered through soft pink nostalgia.
She smiles.
> “Hi, I’m Moxie Brandt, and I’ll be your Algorithm Assigned National Spokesmodel for Season 2. Don’t forget to monetize your morals.”
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
