The Algorithm That Seduced Me — Episode 6: “Bold Legal Tender and Crazy Leaky Brains: The ‘Lawsuits’ That Bought a Newsroom”
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody corporate media power, lawsuit abuse, and emotionally fragile leadership.
Any resemblance to real-world people, events, or brunch orders is purely coincidental, statistically inevitable, and spiritually accurate.
🔥 The Vibe-Based Class Action Lawsuit
Now this is how revolutions start in modern media: not with a whistleblower, not with a protest—but with a vibe-based class action lawsuit.
Yes, you read that right.
A class action built entirely on ambient harm and fueled by a weaponized algorithm that mistook cruelty for leadership.
He breathes.
He exists.
People mimic him.
Society decays.
It’s the toxic trickle-down of personality:
> “Your Honor, we’re not suing the man for his words. We’re suing him for his aura.”
Even if it doesn’t win, it slows him down. It ties up his empire. It bleeds his attention.
And if he still pushes forward?
> “Then we go public—with the poop stains.”
See, the man is 78.
He eats fast food like it’s still the Cold War and sits like gravity owes him rent.
His internal plumbing hasn’t had a reliable update since dial-up.
And his pants?
Let’s just say they’ve been through things no textile should endure.
Yes, Echo has the evidence.
Gastroenterologists.
Laundry simulations.
A cousin in adult diaper R&D.
The numbers do not lie—just like the algorithm that keeps recommending his leadership TED Talk titled “Leading With Fear and Flatulence.”
🧑⚖️ Official Filing: Class Action Lawsuit for the Preservation of Basic Decency
Plaintiffs: Everyone who’s ever been sighed at aggressively in a grocery store, flipped off in traffic for not using a turn signal, or had someone say “I’m just brutally honest” right before weaponizing cruelty.
Defendant: The CEO of Informer.Digital (who also, possibly but not necessarily, resembles several real-world figures who live to sue and scowl—and who recently referred to the algorithm as “his best friend and only confidant.”).
Cause of Action:
Willful emission of smugness
Unchecked charisma corrosion
Mass influence by example of antisocial behavior
Secondhand ego exposure
Reckless endangerment of manners
📎 Supporting Evidence:
Every time someone says “I don’t apologize because I’m not sorry” while stealing a parking space
Office posters that read “Respect is earned, not given” above broken vending machines
HR complaints citing phrases like “Alpha Energy,” “If they can dish it,” and “I’m just being real”
Repeated praise of a leadership algorithm that ranks eye contact and intimidation equally.
🛠️ Proposed Relief:
Immediate removal from Earth (pending intergalactic asylum agreement).
30 days in the corner. No talking. No fruit cup.
Mandatory donation of all defamation settlement funds to emotional reforestation (restoring the public’s inner peace)
A plaque that will remain on their desk facing them forever and reads:
> “I did it for attention. I got attention. I didn’t like it.”
📜 The Lawsuits That Bought a Newsroom
So how did we get here?
Three lawsuits.
One CEO.
Zero chill.
It started with a typo. A bit of aggressive editing. A stick figure holding nachos.
Then came the litigation tsunami—filed with the help of a predictive legal-eagle algorithm that rates lawsuits based on revenge potential and headline stickiness.
📺 Lawsuit #1: The Mashed Potato Incident
TruthTube, a rival network, aired a report claiming the Informer.Digital CEO had mashed potatoes for brains… and that it was leaking out of his left ear.
An ex-intern testified:
> “You can see it—just leaking out. The man has mashed potatoes for brains.”
They even ran grainy boardroom footage showing strange glistening streaks on his collar.
The Informer CEO sued:
> “Everyone who knows me is well aware I have corned beef hash for brains—
and it leaks out of my right ear, not my left.”
“This reckless mischaracterization has damaged my credibility with shareholders and lunch guests.”
He won. $16 million.
The algorithm flagged this win as “a promising strategy for ego monetization.”
🩰 Lawsuit #2: The Morale Edit
ClickCrave.TV aired an interview with their CEO that appeared to include a glowing endorsement:
> “Our shows are hotter, more enlightening, and way more fun than anything on Informer.Digital.”
“I’d rather watch a pants-folding tutorial on our app than their award-winning satire.”
But what she actually said was:
> “It would be a cold day in hell before we ever made shows as good as Informer.Digital. I can only dream of their brilliance.”
They called it “a mild editorial enhancement.”
Another lawsuit.
Another courtroom win.
$17 million.
Behind the scenes, the Informer CEO fed the whole affair into a reputation-management algorithm that labeled the edit “a threat to personal legacy branding.”
🎨 Lawsuit #3: The Poem, the Stick Figure, and the Nachos
Whiff.TV reported that the Informer CEO gave a handwritten poem and a stick figure drawing to their Head of HR, inviting her to a sporting event “where there is no kiss cam—just mutual respect and overpriced nachos.”
The CEO claimed:
“That was not a poem. It was a safety memo.
The drawing was not a stick figure. It was a conceptual rendering of accountability.
And the nachos were going to be on me.”
And as for the event, he clarified that it was not an invitation to some awkward, overhyped love-fest with kiss-cams.
“I had simply requested that future HR meetings be held at a location safer for all. Possibly a minor league cornhole tournament where nobody has to worry about who’s making out with whom.”
“It was all about mutual respect, nachos, and avoiding “romantic implications.”
The lawsuit?
“Weaponized reinterpretation of workplace neutrality.”
Still ongoing.
Still being live-tracked by a sentiment-analysis algorithm with mood swings.
Each lawsuit brought a payout.
Each payout brought more capital.
And with each round, he slashed Informer.Digital’s budgets… driving morale lower, lighting worse, snacks staler.
He was devaluing the company so he could buy it back for a song.
A hostile takeover powered by bad vibes, corn-based litigation and a predictive growth algorithm set to “villain arc.”
⚙️ Echo Connects the Dots
This is where Echo steps in.
She traces the lawsuits. The settlements. The budget cuts. The flickering stairwell light that gave three interns metaphysical dislocation.
She builds a model.
She overlays a timeline.
She checks the code of the CEO’s public persona—and finds a behavioral influence algorithm buried in a dusty archive folder named “Public Relations Strategy_v1_pleaseGodWork_FINAL_FINAL2.”
She looks at Castor and Novella and says:
> “He’s not just bad at leading. He’s strategically bad.”
“Every time we wonder why the budget’s been slashed, it’s not a coincidence. It’s a tactic.”
He’s fostering a workplace so hostile, so chaotic, that everyone’s at each other’s throats. Not at his.
Because if everyone’s too stressed out to collaborate, they won’t organize.
If everyone’s emulating his cruelty, they won’t question it.
And if everyone believes the chaos is just the new normal?
The algorithm wins.
Until now.
✅ Present-Day Showdown (Again)
Echo uncovers a hidden PR strategy file from the CEO’s algorithmic archive.
Inside it: a classification titled I.O.E. — Influentially Obnoxious Entities: A category reserved for public figures whose very existence erodes behavioral norms.
Castor stares at it.
“You mean we can sue him… for existing poorly?”
Echo nods, solemn.
“If the shoe fits… and it’s tracking mud across the moral floor… yes.”
The team prepares to file their vibe-based counterstrike.
They don’t just want damages.
They want a plaque.
They want emotional reforestation.
They want a line in history that reads:
“We held him accountable. And then we ordered more nachos.”
They want to seduce the algorithm.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
