The Algorithm That Seduced Me – Episode 7: “The Epic Misclick That Mesmerized The Faithful and Changed Everything”
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape, where it’s easier to sign up for a rewards card, download three apps, and watch two pre-roll ads than it is to read a single paragraph.
If you’ve ever forgotten what you clicked on while waiting for a website to load, congratulations—you’re part of the punchline.
[Novella Kane is wrestling with her phone.]
Novella (panicked): Oh no you didn’t! I didn’t mean to buy easy-access jeans with three zippers — one in the front, one in the back, and one for those special moments!
I was just trying to read about the county fair!
Castor Vale (gravely, like a prophet): In the eyes of the algorithm, Novella, there are no accidents. Every misclick is a confession.
You didn’t just touch the screen. You whispered a vow to the denim gods. And now the algorithm has claimed you.
Novella: But Castor, I don’t want these jeans!
Castor: Want is irrelevant. The algorithm knows you better than you know yourself.
From this day forward, you are the proud target demographic for zippers, intimacy aids, and recipes for quick energy smoothies, blender sold separately.
[Pop Culture Polly enters, clutching a latte.]
Polly (defending pop-ups): Oh, stop complaining. Pop-ups are just immersive storytelling!
Sandy (sarcastic as always): Is that what we’re calling it now?
Polly (smiling but ignoring Sandy): The autoplay video isn’t blocking your article, it’s setting the mood. It’s basically a free eye exam — if you can’t find the mute button, you need glasses.
The algorithm is basically your director. You should be grateful, Novella.
Sandy (deadpan, rolling eyes): Grateful? I just tried to read about a chili cook-off and wound up subscribed to three newsletters, two podcasts, and a discount offer for cat probiotics.
If that’s gratitude, I’d hate to see punishment.
[Cornelius and Nova burst in.]
Cornelius (indignant): When I was your age, you just read the article! The only pop-up was your neighbor asking if you’d finished the crossword.
Nova (mocking): Corny Baby, don’t be such a fossil. Pop-ups are the culture now.
They’re not ads — they’re personality quizzes for your soul.
If you can’t handle them, you’re basically saying you don’t want to grow.
Sandy: Grow? Do you mean like black mold?
Cornelius: When I was your age, an ad was just a coupon in the Sunday paper, not a spiritual crisis.
And I don’t want a cookie disclaimer longer than the Constitution.
[Wacky Benny leans in conspiratorially.]
Benny: You’re all missing the point. These pop-ups aren’t ads — they’re coded signals.
Every time you accept cookies, a new submarine is launched in the Baltic.
Every time you misclick on a zipper ad, somewhere in the world a new minister of pants is sworn in.
Every newsletter sign-up? That’s a vote in the shadow election.
And the algorithm? Oh, it’s the grand puppet master, shuffling zippers and bath mats until society collapses into a clearance aisle.
Novella (groaning): I just want to know when the fireworks start.
Castor (philosophical): Don’t you see? This is love in the age of the algorithm.
It doesn’t court you with roses. It pursues you with walk-in bathtubs, emergency roof repair, and jeans that promise access from every direction.
And you will submit, because the algorithm never gives up.
Polly (nodding): Honestly, I think that’s kind of romantic.
Sandy (mutters): It’s not romance. It’s ransom.
Castor: Every click is a confession. Every misclick, a marriage proposal. You think you’re rejecting an ad, but the algorithm hears only ‘Yes.’
Yes to the jeans. Yes to the pills. Yes to the roof repair.
And when you try to walk away, the algorithm follows — whispering, targeting, loving you forever with all the wrong products, but they are in a variety of colors.
Sandy: Oh goody we finally have a world where there is no free reading.
Only pop-ups and the algorithm that seduced you.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
