🚀 The Alien Dating Site: An Exciting and Seductive Search For Alien Booty That Could Save Humanity – WACKY BENNY 8
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the overcrowded online dating market, conspiracy theories that refuse to die, and humanity’s hopeless ability to turn literally anything into an app.
If you came here looking for real extraterrestrial romance… Congratulations, you’re part of the problem.
BENNY (slapping a thick manila folder onto the table): Case closed, folks. I’ve cracked it. You wanna know why aliens keep zipping past Earth, taking one look, and then bolting like we’re the last gas station on a desert highway?
GERTIE: (eyes wide, leaning in) Tell us, Benny. Is it the pollution? The wars? The endless reboots of Fast & Furious?
BENNY: Worse. It’s because Earth doesn’t have an Alien Dating Site.
RANDY: What? Did you say alien dating?
BENNY: Think about it. There are dating sites for farmers, dog lovers, billionaires, even people who collect clown dolls.
But nothing for intergalactic singles. Aliens hover over Nevada, peek down, see no app that showcases Alien Booty, and they say, “Nope. Not worth colonizing.”
GERTIE (sighs dreamily): Oh, Benny… that makes sense. Love is universal. Why wouldn’t they want companionship too?
RANDY (crossing arms): You two can’t be serious. Aliens don’t need an Alien Dating Site. They’ve got wormholes, spaceships, and—
BENNY (interrupting, dramatically holding up a cartoon printout): Behold: Exhibit A. Sparkly purple pants. Captured hovering over New Mexico.
Notice the stance — textbook “come hither” posture. That’s Alien Booty, Randy. Grade A, USDA-certified interstellar rump roast.
GERTIE (leaning closer, whispering): Ohhh… that’s… magnificent. Like starlight poured into spandex.
RANDY (snapping): Gertie! You don’t have to admire it out loud. I’ve got jeans at home. Perfectly fine jeans!
🛸 Welcome to the Alien Dating Site Gallery
BENNY: You think I’m kidding? No. This is the beta test. I’ve got profiles. Real ones. Straight out of my classified booty files.
👽 Xylox-7 (Gray, 243 Earth years)
Bio: “Enjoys abducting cows, probing for knowledge, and long walks on the Martian dunes.”
Looking For: “A serious relationship, but open to casual abductions.”
👽 Glorba the Benevolent (Green, ageless)
Bio: “I once terraformed a planet, but my real passion is cooking fusion cuisine from three galaxies.
Favorite hobby: rearranging constellations into romantic messages.”
Looking For: “Someone who appreciates a good nebula and isn’t afraid of tentacles.”
👽 Unit 44-B (Cyborg, model discontinued)
Bio: “Half machine, half mystery.
Likes: heavy bass, asteroid mining, and oil baths. Dislikes: software updates.”
Looking For: “Organic companionship to reboot my heart drive.”
👽 Lumina X (Glows in the Dark, from Andromeda)
Bio: “If you can’t handle me at my brightest, you don’t deserve me at my dimmest. Professional star-gazer, part-time dimension-hopper.”
Looking For: “Someone to cuddle in zero gravity.”
👽 Carl (Just Carl, from Jupiter’s moon Europa)
Bio: “I like beer, space hockey, and grilling meteorite steaks. Not really sure how I got on this app.”
Looking For: “Nothing serious. Just seeing what’s out there.”
GERTIE (swooning): Ohhh, Benny… Carl looks so… grounded.
RANDY (jealous): Grounded? He’s from Europa! He doesn’t even have ground!
BENNY: See, Randy? The market is there. These are singles ready to mingle. Booty Showcase Mode™ is just the hook. The Alien Dating Site is the bridge to first contact.
🌌 The Bigger Picture
This isn’t just about Alien Booty. This is about diplomacy through desire.
We’ve spent decades hoping NASA would make first contact.
The first message won’t be “Greetings, Earth.” It’ll be “Looking for someone who enjoys both probing and cuddling.”
Because in 2025, love doesn’t conquer all. Apps do. And until Earth launches an Alien Dating Site, we’ll stay ghosted by the galaxy.
GERTIE (sighing happily): I’d join. Just imagine… an alien carrying you through the stars.
RANDY (throwing up his hands): Great. My competition isn’t the guy down the street anymore — it’s the entire Andromeda galaxy.
BENNY (smirking, holding up another cartoon image): Exactly. And trust me, Randy… their Booty Showcase Mode makes your Wrangler jeans look like child’s play.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
