🎤 The Anchorage Mall Food Court Summit on The Exciting WNBA’s Flying Sex Toy “Problem” – When I Was Your Age #13
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire. No actual mall food courts, sex toy manufacturers, or WNBA franchises were harmed in the making of this argument.
If you’ve ever had to explain to your grandma why ESPN’s chyron said “Breaking News: Dildo on the Court” during dinner, you already know that society is doomed and that’s the real reason for a summit in Anchorage.
[Scene opens with Cornelius and Nova seated at a sticky plastic table beneath a neon sign reading “Anchorage Mall Food Court – Grand Opening Special: Free Pretzel with Any Crisis.” A suspicious mall cop circles in the background.]
CORNELIUS: When I was your age, Nova, we didn’t call this kind of thing a “scandal.” We called it juvenile mischief.
Tossing rubber novelties onto a basketball court? It’s an internet prank, a cry for attention. Probably children. Or worse — TikTokers.
NOVA (grinning, sipping a smoothie the size of her head): See, Corny Baby, this is why I invited you to the Anchorage Mall Food Court Summit. You think this is prank-level chaos.
I see it for what it is: a historic moment of success. The league is so hot right now, men literally have to fling plastic anatomy at it to cope.
You are right Corny Baby. They are proving that they are about as mature as a middle schooler who just discovered the word “boob” on a calculator.
CORNELIUS (indignant): I cannot believe that any serious man interprets airborne marital aids as a barometer of cultural achievement.
NOVA: Oh really? Then why do you think nobody’s talking about Alyssa Thomas?
CORNELIUS (confused): Who’s Alyssa Thomas?
NOVA: Exactly my point.
Alyssa Thomas is a power forward for the Phoenix Mercury, Corny Baby.
She just recorded a triple-triple-double — that means double figures in three different stats in three games in a row.
And by the way, that was her 19th triple-double of her career. Nobody else in the league has more than four.
She’s dominant. She takes on anybody, any competition, and shreds them with pure athletic ability.
But instead of talking about that, here we are — writing think pieces about airborne plastic distractions.
That is about as useful to society as a snorkel in the desert!
It’s not just a barometer, Cornelius. It’s a marketing campaign the patriarchy accidentally paid for.
CORNELIUS (muttering): When I was your age, headlines were about box scores, not… phallic projectiles.
NOVA: Exactly. And that’s why women’s sports had to fight for coverage.
Now? A tossed toy gets more ink than a playoff race.
The joke’s not on the players — it’s on the clowns trying to distract from them.
CORNELIUS (huffing): You’re saying it’s a victory? That dodging a plastic missile on live television is somehow progress?
NOVA (leaning in, triumphant): I’m saying this, their joke worked as well as sunscreen at midnight Corny Baby. Because now every time the story trends, the WNBA trends with it.
Viewership spikes, merch sales climb, athletes gain followers. The so-called “prank” just proved women’s basketball owns the spotlight.
The men aren’t laughing — they’re panicking. They’re a blindfolded free throw from half-court.
CORNELIUS (pauses, fiddling with his food-court pretzel): So at this… Anchorage Mall Food Court Summit, I came demanding dignity, but you’ve twisted it into triumph.
NOVA (smirks): Exactly.
Consider this the Anchorage Accord: you bring the ultimatums, I bring the reframing, and only one of us leaves with the upper hand and a coupon for 20% off at Hot Topic.
CORNELIUS (sighs): When I was your age, I didn’t lose debates in food courts.
NOVA (patting his hand): Oh, Corny Baby — you didn’t lose. You just became the latest stat in women’s sports: another man outplayed.
[They pause as the food-court intercom blares.]
INTERCOM VOICE: Attention shoppers: please refrain from throwing personal items onto the basketball court in the AnchorZone Arcade. Last week’s “incident” required a mop, three apologies, and a therapy dog.
CORNELIUS (grumbling): See? Even the mall knows this is a menace. A society cannot function if every victory is interrupted by a flying object.
NOVA (laughs): Cornelius, society’s been interrupted by flying objects forever.
Confetti at weddings, rice at graduations, bras at rock concerts.
Why should women’s basketball get less? If anything, it proves they’ve arrived.
CORNELIUS (snaps): A rice shower is tradition. A rogue marital aid is… vulgarity and stupidity. It’s using duct tape to fix your broken Wi-Fi signal.
NOVA: And yet, here we are, talking about the WNBA in a food court in Anchorage.
Not about the NBA, not about the NFL, not about “who will win the Heisman.”
We’re talking about women’s basketball. The so-called pranksters thought they were the story.
CORNELIUS (leans back, sighing): When I was your age, pranks ended with shaving cream, not sociology.
NOVA (grins wider): And that’s why you lose at every Anchorage Summit, Corny Baby.
You underestimate memes. Memes are power now. The league got memes, coverage, clicks, and growth.
The pranksters got arrested.
They found out the hard way that “because I said so” isn’t a valid argument.
Tell me again who won?
CORNELIUS (muttering, breaking off a pretzel bite): When I was your age, “winning” didn’t involve hashtags.
NOVA (snaps back): And when you were my age, women’s sports weren’t selling out arenas.
Times change.
Anchors lift.
Anchorage wins.
And by the way, if you think throwing sex toys on a WNBA court is comedy, what should people throw on an NBA court to be equally “funny”?
CORNELIUS: How about inflatable dollar signs — because, well, you’ve seen the outrageous ticket prices.
NOVA (laughing): Perfect! There’s Hope for you yet Corny Baby!
[Mall cop strolls by, points at them sternly.]
MALL COP: No outside props in the food court, folks. We’ve had enough incidents this week.
NOVA (deadpan): Don’t worry. We left all the props in the arena.
CORNELIUS (groans): When I was your age, “props” meant respect.
NOVA (smirks as lights fade): Same word, different generation, Corny Baby. That’s the Anchorage way.
[Lights out.]
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
