I’m Just Here for the Butt Double: Because Someone Has to Bring Fake Integrity to Glorious Gluteal Illusions – Sandy & Polly #13
SATIRE DISCLAIMER
The following is a work of satire intended to parody celebrity culture, media absurdity, and the gig economy’s relentless monetization of literally everything.
If you find yourself nodding in agreement with anything written below, please don’t—because we’re laughing at it, not endorsing it.
POLLY: Okay, I’m sorry—but we have to talk about Liam Neeson’s butt. Or more specifically… Liam Neeson’s butt double.
SANDY: I kind of like his butt. Wait, what? That’s a real job?
POLLY: Yup. Confirmed. For the Naked Gun reboot, Liam requested a stunt arse.
It was literally in his contract.
Somewhere out there, there is a man whose entire claim to fame is “I was Liam Neeson’s butt double.”
SANDY: That’s… a career?
Can you put butt double on a resume?
Do you go to trade school for that?
Where do you even learn to be someone’s butt double?
POLLY: Oh, that’s easy. The North American Institute of Posterior Performance. NAIPP.
SANDY (smiling): That’s not real.
POLLY: Should be. It’s clinical. Overly technical. They issue lab coats and custom butt padding. Motto?
“Precision. Discipline. Clenching under pressure.”
Besides, most people would rather be a butt double than a full time adult.
SANDY (smiling bigger): Okay so let’s say you get in—what are the required classes?
POLLY: Glad you asked.
Tension & Release: A Masterclass in Cinematic Clenching
Shadows & Spotlighting: Advanced Rear Lighting
The Ethics of the Double Cheek Take
SANDY (laughing): I’m crying. That’s more than half the stuff I learned in college.
POLLY: And here’s the thing—this guy, this freelance butt double, probably has a publicist by now.
I guarantee he’s already in talks with Goop to launch a candle line: “This Smells Like My NDA.”
SANDY: I think there should be a watch list for people who bought Goop’s first candle.
Honestly, if that’s a career path, what else am I missing? I might need to dust off my resume.
POLLY: Good question! Let’s see what the modern economy is offering in terms of unhinged career paths. And compared to being a butt double, these jobs actually require some dignity.
Emotional Furniture Stylists—they match your couch to your trauma.
> “This one screams ‘divorce but resilient.’ Shall we toss in a regret ottoman?”
SANDY: I’d buy the ottoman if it came with storage for repressed feelings.
POLLY: Next, we’ve got Selfie Pose Consultants.
They charge $99 an hour to tell you how to smirk like you’re about to leak a congressional scandal.
SANDY: Back in my day, we just got drunk and hoped the camera found our good side.
POLLY: Zoom Background Curators are making a killing. They craft fake backdrops to make you look well-traveled, emotionally healed, and financially solvent.
> “This one says Paris. But emotionally? It says, ‘I forgive my father.’”
SANDY: Mine just says ‘router problems’ and has coffee stains.
POLLY: Then there’s the Password Anxiety Coach.
They guide you through creating a secure password without using your cat’s name, your ex’s birthday, or anything that might trigger a midlife spiral.
SANDY: I still use my cat’s name and my high school crush. It’s unbreakable..
POLLY: And last but not least, the Custom Sneeze Artist.
You pay them to record personalized sneezes. The most requested one right now? “Anxious Victorian squirrel.”
SANDY: Great, woodland creatures with anxiety is a business.
POLLY: You know what? None of those are even the weirdest. The weirdest job is the one I just invented—but tell me it doesn’t make total sense in today’s world. Ready?
SANDY: I’m bracing myself.
POLLY: “Mommy for a Night.”
SANDY: …What?
POLLY: It’s a service for young celebrities who are out of control, partying, blowing money, flirting with lawsuits—and nobody is telling them no.
For just $10/month, they subscribe to a no-nonsense stranger on OnlyFans who tells them exactly what their mother should.
SANDY: Not a bad idea.
POLLY (mock text): “Absolutely not, sweetie. You’re not going out dressed like that. Stay home, put on sweatpants and microwave something beige.”
SANDY: This is genius. I’m seeing chore assignments. Shame texts. Guilt-trip audio.
POLLY: YES. The Premium Guilt Trip Package™ for $50/month includes:
“I guess I’ll just stay home and wash your Emmy for you.”
And a fake photo of you cleaning the kitchen so your agent can leak it to TMZ.
SANDY: Does Mommy need a degree? Or just, like, dead eyes and an endless supply of disappointed sighs?
POLLY: NAIPP has a sister campus for that. Specializing in Cold Shoulder Communication and Passive-Aggressive Hydration Reminders.
NOVA (entering, holding iced coffee): Okay, sorry—but I love this. And I’d totally subscribe. Everyone needs a “Cool Aunt for a Night” who lets you go out but makes you pack electrolytes and fake your location.
CORNELIUS (following behind, immediately fuming): You people have lost your minds. When I was your age, we didn’t pay strangers to parent us—we got grounded the old-fashioned way and internalized the guilt for thirty years like civilized adults.
NOVA: That’s why your eyebrows have tension.
CORNELIUS: No, it’s because I’m watching society collapse into a puddle of scented butt candles, butt double memoirs and $10 subscription lectures from people named “Mommy4U420.”
POLLY: Don’t act like you wouldn’t subscribe if Dame Judi Dench told you to stay in and reheat leftovers.
CORNELIUS (pauses): …Okay maybe once.
POLLY: Look, in a world where butt doubles have stunt contracts and influencers sell toe pics to fund smoothie lines “Mommy for a Night” isn’t satire. It’s a necessity.
SANDY: It’s cheaper than rehab, better than TMZ, and one passive-aggressive text away from saving your career.
NOVA: Great slogan! Can we build in a feature that just sends you a gif of your grandma shaking her head?
CORNELIUS: Fine. But only if I get to launch the male version: “Stern Father Figure for a Weekend.”
No emojis. Just disappointed nodding and silent car rides.

Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.