The Calendar of Malarkey with Wacky Benny Episode 1: Friday, June 27 – Thursday, July 3, 2025
“Pop Culture’s Past Lives—7 Outrageously Fake Firsts Inspired by This Week’s Headlines”
Welcome to the debut edition of the Calendar of Malarkey, where the nonsense is curated weekly and the facts are emotionally unreliable.
This is the official comedy archive for everything that never happened, brought to you by your host and questionable historian, Wacky Benny.
🧟♀️ Friday, June 27 – The First Zombie Wedding – Venice, 1892
In honor of 28 Years Later going strong in theaters and Jeff Bezos & Lauren Sánchez throwing a lavish wedding in Venice, we’ve unearthed the very first zombie wedding—which also took place in Venice in 1892.
The bride wore a bone-trimmed veil; the groom wore half his original face. Guests floated in via gondola, not because it was scenic—but because the undead are not great with stairs.
According to the Calendar of Malarkey, they said “I do” right before accidentally biting the officiant, which triggered a century-long gondola shortage.
One guest, a local fisherman, claimed it was “the most tasteful outbreak I’ve ever attended.”
Wacky Benny: “To this day, Venice bans all corpse-themed cocktail hours and strongly discourages floral arrangements with teeth.”
👀 Saturday, June 28 – The First Peek-Off – Castle Barfham, 1475
With the Sean “Diddy” Combs trial winding down—and headlines full of strange details including so-called “freak-offs”—the Calendar of Malarkey traced history’s first recorded peek-off back to 1475.
It was a marathon peekaboo tournament between two feuding royal families.
Contestants took turns hiding behind curtains and popping out with increasing dramatic flair. The last noble still able to surprise a guard without laughing was declared the Peek King and immediately knighted “Sir Boo.”
Wacky Benny: “According to legend, this competition directly inspired the entire peekaboo fashion movement—dresses, swimsuits, lingerie. Skeptics say it was just an excuse to see more skin. Historians agree: both can be true.”
⚖️ Sunday, June 29 – The First Blind Tickle Fight – Featherton Abbey, 1123
Following Dermot Mulroney’s decision to file for divorce—and represent himself—after a 15-year marriage, the Calendar of Malarkey looked back at another bold solo move: the first blind tickle fight, in 1123.
Two noble families resolved a property dispute by entering a completely dark chamber wearing nothing but ceremonial socks and wielding goose feathers. The winner tickled the most ribs. The loser was named “Most Ticklish” and sentenced to wear the Royal Feather Ruff in public.
Wacky Benny: “They say anyone who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client… or worse—they once took legal advice from me.”
🌟 Monday, June 30 – The First and Last ‘I’m a Celebrity But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Important’ Meeting – Year: Unspecified (Ego Level: High)
In honor of Brad Pitt opening up about going to his first AA meeting—saying he was “on his knees” and finding real healing—the Calendar of Malarkey reveals an early experiment in celebrity humility.
It was called: “I’m a Celebrity, But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Better Than You.”
Attendees included Cleopatra, Shakespeare, Napoleon, Mozart, and a guy named Kevin. The group lasted 11 minutes before Cleopatra requested silk cushions, Shakespeare demanded everyone speak in sonnets, and Mozart needed applause after every sentence.
Wacky Benny: “Brad found healing. These folks found matching robes, a personal staff, and a self-published memoir. Honestly, Kevin had the best arc, but no one listened.”
💘 Tuesday, July 1 – The First Time Love Beat Sword-Fighting – The Great Love Council, 892
After a new survey revealed that women are craving more rom-coms and fewer action-packed superhero flicks, the Calendar of Malarkey looked back to 892 A.D., when the Great Love Council was convened.
In an open-air forum, a village debated whether a kiss was mightier than a knock-out punch.
One bard stood and said, “A sonnet’s arrow pierces deeper than any blade,” and the duel was canceled on the spot.
A spontaneous rom-com montage followed, featuring lute miscommunication and haystack giggling.
Wacky Benny: “Turns out love conquered all—until they ran out of popcorn. So naturally, they invented medieval drive-ins.”
🧠 Wednesday, July 2 – The First Acronym Anguish Society – Year: 1023-ish
With modern headlines warning about new anxiety acronyms—FOPO (Fear of People’s Opinions) joining its viral pals FOMO and FOBO as experts call it a “hidden epidemic”—the Calendar of Malarkey traced history’s first recorded Acronym Anguish Society back to 1023.
A group of early philosophers got fed up with having to remember every new “fear of” label popping up.
So they met in a cave and formed a secret club, solemnly vowing not to surrender to FOGT (Fear of Generating Terms).
They spent three days debating whether Greedophobia (fear of being greedy) counted, before someone suggested Shrug-o-phobia (fear of being expected to care) and they dissolved the group entirely—then began drafting the ground rules that would later become Pilates.
Wacky Benny: “Turns out it was easier to invent new fears than remember the old ones. And somewhere, someone’s still afraid they forgot the acronym for that.”
🎥 Thursday, July 3 – The Lost Pilot Episode of “Founding Drama” (1776, Bostonish)
Just in time for the Fourth of July—and inspired by historical dramas like The Gilded Age—the Calendar of Malarkey discovered plans for a lost reality series titled:
“Founding Drama: The Declaration Diaries.”
Filmed (poorly) in 1776 and immediately shelved due to excessive eye-rolling from Thomas Jefferson.
The show followed a group of influencers known as “The Forefathers” as they argued over what to call their big breakup letter to King George.
Episode titles included:
“Stuff We’re Not Cool With Anymore”
“Our New Vibe Statement”
“Unfollowed. Blocked. Free.”
John Hancock was cast as the show’s messy lead (he kept demanding his name be the biggest), while Benjamin Franklin threatened to walk off set unless he got a slow-motion entrance and two musical numbers.
Wacky Benny: “The Declaration wasn’t written in one night—it was drafted over brunch, edited in a group chat, and originally ended with ‘XOXO, Liberty.’”
Thanks for reading the first official Calendar of Malarkey. We’ll be back next week with even more historically inaccurate nonsense inspired by the week’s weirdest headlines.
If you believe any of The Calendar of Malarkey, please see a licensed historian—or worse, keep reading. This is your weekly reminder: everything is fake, but it’s our kind of fake.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
