🎬 The Epstein List: Finally Making Sense of it All in the Most Incredible and Outrageous Way Possible – Do You Not See It? Episode 2
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the modern media landscape, where real scandals are rebranded into marketing proposals and moral accountability is outsourced to focus groups and merchandise designers.
If you’ve ever watched something horrifying unfold and someone said, “Let’s monetize this,” congratulations—you’re in the target demo.
No actual lists were consulted, no apologies will be issued, and no one involved knows who played whom in Welcome Back, Kotter.
To some, that would be a problem.
To others, it’s a monetization opportunity.
INFORMER.DIGITAL CONFERENCE ROOM
A digital screen behind them reads: “Q3 Pitch Meeting: Raising Eyebrows, Raising Profits—and Monetizing the Epstein List ™Responsibly.”
Hope, Chaz, and Lana sit at the table. Theo walks in late, holding a coffee and a notepad. He sits without a word.
Hope (smiling): Theo! Perfect timing. We’re thinking about a new show. It’s called… The Epstein List.
Theo (freezes mid-sip): I’m sorry—what?
Chaz (grinning): A new game show called The Epstein List.
You know, like the character Gabe Kaplan played from Welcome Back, Kotter?
Total throwback vibe. Nostalgia sells.
Theo (dead serious): You mean Juan Epstein?
Gabe Kaplan didn’t play him—he played Mr. Kotter.
Epstein was played by Robert Hegyes.
Lana (waving it off): Sure, sure. Who cares?
We’re not casting it—we’re commercializing it.
The Epstein List is just a branding opportunity with unresolved legal drama built in.
The point is: Epstein used to write fake excuse notes. And that’s the entire premise.
A game show where people try to excuse why they’re on a list. Bad excuses only. It’s genius.
Theo: Do you not see it?!
That has nothing to do with Welcome Back, Kotter.
You’re using sitcom nostalgia to whitewash the fact that this is clearly referencing—you know, The Epstein List.
Hope (already sketching logos): Exactly! That’s why we’re leaning into the branding.
“The Epstein List: Game Show.”
It’s funny! And mysterious! Like The Masked Singer, but morally confusing!
Theo: This isn’t some quirky throwback. This is a list with real people on it.
Real victims. Real crimes.
You can’t just slap a cartoon font on it and call it content.
Chaz (scrolling on his tablet): Oh but we can. We did a mock test group.
Millennials think Juan Epstein was a TikToker.
Gen Z thinks Epstein is a new deodorant brand.
Gen Alpha thinks the Epstein list is either a Spotify playlist or a BuzzFeed scandal countdown.
Nobody’s emotionally connecting it to actual accountability—and that’s the sweet spot.
Lana (excited): And think of the merch. Hats that say “I’m Not on the List (Yet).”
Excuse note stationery kits!
Limited-edition redaction highlighters!
Gabe Kaplan Funko Pop™ that makes a buzzer noise when you lie!
Theo (shocked but not really): You’re commercializing denial.
You’re gamifying deception.
You’re deliberately pretending this is about something else so you can cash in on moral fog.
Hope (earnestly): We prefer the term “strategic ambiguity.”
Theo: Is that what we’re calling it?
Lana: Is this a great country or what!
Chaz: Besides, people love lists. Santa has one. Schindler had one. Spotify has billions.
Our only mistake was not making this sooner.
Theo (leaning in): You’re not satirizing corruption. You’re avoiding it.
This list represents the names we’re too afraid to say out loud.
This is not a format. It’s a failure of conscience.
Lana (snapping fingers): Ooh! “Failure of Conscience”—great name for the finale episode.
Each contestant gives one last excuse and we cut the lights before the jury reads the verdict.
Theo: There is no jury. There is no justice.
There’s just you three, playing redacted charades while the rest of us scream into the void.
Hope (holding up a sample mug): But the void has merch!
Look—“I Wrote My Own Excuse” mugs! Dishwasher-safe and emotionally noncommittal!
Theo: Do you not see it?
Hope (setting down the mug, suddenly excited):
Wait a second! From your idea Theo.
The Screaming Into the Void Mini-Megaphone™!
It’s like a Mr. Microphone, but for unresolved trauma! Comes in four colors and one decibel level: PANIC.
Chaz: We can make it sync with your phone so you can livestream the scream directly to your subscribers.
Monetized catharsis!
Theo: What happened to truth to power?
Chaz: We could sell truth to power scarfs or lanyards and maybe keychains.
Theo (quiet, angry): You don’t even know who Epstein was.
Lana: Juan. From the show. With the fro and the attitude. Obviously.
Theo: He wasn’t real. And neither is your conscience.
Chaz (laughing): You’re just mad because we put you on the list.
Theo (stiffens): You put my name on the Epstein list?
Chaz: Technically it’s The Epstein List: Streaming Version. There’s a docuseries tie-in.
Hope: It tested well!
You’re the lovable skeptic. The moral compass.
People want to watch you unravel.
Theo: You put my name on the Epstein List?
Lana (grinning): Don’t worry, you get a redemption arc in episode six.
Theo (slowly standing): You are building a game show around a fake list inspired by a fake misunderstanding about a real crime covered in fake nostalgia.
Really? Do you not see it?
[Silence. Then Hope, Lana, and Chaz all speak at once]
Hope: That would look great on a hoodie.
Chaz: Merch idea: “Do You Not See It?” — The Collection.
Lana: Let’s bundle it with a fake subpoena kit for kids.
Hope: And throw in a coloring book: Who’s On the Epstein List?—Crayon-friendly and completely inadmissible in court.
🎉 “EPSTEIN LIST: THE GAME SHOW”
Inspired by… someone, probably.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
