The Hollywood Reporter Spectacular Adventure! – How Many Ignorants Does It Take to Fabricate a Story: Informer.Digital Investigation #1
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire intended to parody the celebrity news cycle, the endless coverage of coverage, and the notion that anyone can become famous by saying the word ignorant loud enough.
NELLY (leaning across the newsroom desk): I want my name in The Hollywood Reporter. Today.
I’ll just call JK Rowling ignorant. Not just ignorant—ignorant of how ignorant her ignorant opinions are.
I’ll stack the ignorants until the walls shake. That’s gotta be worth at least a sidebar, right?
PROFESSOR (polishing his glasses): The Hollywood Reporter doesn’t hand out glossy features because you discovered a thesaurus entry for ignorant.
You’d need to be a writer, director, actor, producer—someone already orbiting the Hollywood ecosystem.
Otherwise you’re just…well, ignorantly hoping.
NELLY (undaunted): But wait—Rowling said things, Watson said things, now people write about the things they said about the things!
Doesn’t that mean if I say something about the things they said, The Hollywood Reporter reports on me saying things about their things?
Isn’t that the circle of life?
PROFESSOR: No. That’s the circle of clicks.
NELLY (doubling down, gesturing wildly): Listen, it would actually be ignorant to call someone’s opinion ignorant just because it disagrees with your own—and the ignorance of that opinion you have of someone else’s opinion is being ignorantly applied to this situation.
That’s four ignorances in one breath. If The Hollywood Reporter can’t headline that, then what are they even doing over there?
EDITOR’S NOTE (voiceover): For the record, we checked: the legal maximum number of ignorants The Hollywood Reporter allows in a pull-quote is three. Any more than that, and they charge you a publicist fee.
POLLY (jumping in with pop-culture sparkle): Nelly’s right! If you say it with enough flair, The Hollywood Reporter has to notice. They live for drama. Just add a red carpet, a flashbulb, and maybe a breakup rumor.
NOVA (Trend Chaser, flipping through her phone): Exactly. Trends are headlines. If you ignore that, you’re practically in the Stone Age. Hashtag #IgnorantIgnorance would go viral before lunch.
SANDY (dry as desert air): You two think stacking synonyms is news? Please. Clickbait headlines already look like word salad.
‘Rowling Ignorantly Ignored by Ignorant Commenters.’
That’s not a headline, that’s a cry for spellcheck.
CORNELIUS (nostalgic sigh): When I was your age, getting into The Hollywood Reporter meant something. You needed talent, scandal, or at least a questionable fur coat. Not just a thesaurus binge.
HOLLY (her eyes wide enough to monetize): Okay, here’s The Hollywood Reporter plan!
Limited Edition ‘Ignorant of Ignorance’ tote bags. They sell themselves.
LANA: Don’t forget the subscription bundle: Fake Press Releases. For $9.99 a month, we’ll guarantee your name gets mentioned in The Hollywood Reporter. That way you can trick your parents into thinking you’ve made it.
CHAZ: And NFTs. Each one contains a unique JPEG of the word ‘Ignorant,’ signed by Nelly. We call them iNFTs. Guaranteed to depreciate faster than your dignity.
PROFESSOR (exasperated but calm): You don’t get into The Hollywood Reporter by piling ignorance on ignorance. You get in because you already exist in Hollywood’s gravitational field.
Fame doesn’t orbit logic; it orbits casting calls and box office returns.”
NELLY (leaning forward, frustrated): But all JK Rowling and Emma Watson are doing is talking to each other without talking to each other. One is on a podcast and the other one is on social media—they’re not even having an actual conversation.
THE PROFESSOR (dry as chalk dust): Exactly. That’s how it works now.
Half-conversations generate full headlines. The echo is louder than the voice, and The Hollywood Reporter doesn’t need dialogue—just dueling soundbites.
NELLY (stubborn, almost triumphant): Fine. Then I’ll build my own orbit out of ignorance. And when The Hollywood Reporter writes about me for ignorantly calling Rowling ignorant, ignorantly…you’ll all see.
The newsroom erupts in arguments, hashtags, and tote-bag prototypes. Somewhere, an intern checks The Hollywood Reporter’s website and reports back:
“Breaking News: The Hollywood Reporter just ran a piece about the fact that everyone wants to be in The Hollywood Reporter.”
And just like that, the ignorant prophecy fulfills itself.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
