🎥 The World’s Greatest Murder Mystery – Episode 3: The Lady, the LaCroix & the Ghost Squirrel
Satire Disclaimer
This episode parodies true-crime fatigue, the endless recycling of “case closed” TV specials, and the dramatic over-reliance on experts with suspiciously theatrical hair.
No murder mysteries were harmed in the making of this episode.
(Breakroom 9:45p)
CORNELIUS (holding up a package like it’s the Ark of the Covenant): At last. My book has arrived. Jessica Fletcher’s Guide to Crime Solving. From now on, I am no longer a mere amateur. I am… a Fletcher-disciple.
SANDY (dry): Great. We’ve upgraded from “man with clipboard” to “man who reads instructions.” Truly unstoppable.
CORNELIUS (flipping pages): Step one: “Observe the scene carefully.” Step two: “Listen for confessions.” Step three: “Look concerned but approachable in knitwear.”
POLLY (leaning in): Oh my God, we’re on step two already. Somebody confess so we can move things along.
(Pause. HOPE clears her throat, way too loudly.)
HOPE: Fine. I did it. I murdered Larry.
SANDY (blinking): What?!
HOPE: I just figured if we confess, maybe we can skip ahead to merch.
BUTT RUBIN (snapping his notebook shut): Case closed. Another success for Byoot Rubin. You may applaud now.
(From the phone in his pocket, an all-female choir suddenly swells: “Caaaase Cloooosed…”)
SANDY: Even his ringtone is smug.
(Scattered, reluctant claps. Butt Rubin bows, smug, clearly thinking this was earned.)
CHAZ (muttering): We only applauded to get him to leave.
(Door shuts behind Butt Rubin. Collective sigh of relief. Suddenly—)
POLLY (gasps, pointing at the breakroom table): The LaCroix can. It’s back.
SANDY (grim): I thought clipboard boy took the can as evidence.
LANA: He did. He put it in one of his little Rizzoli & Isles evidence bags. But don’t worry, I got pictures for the merch.
NOVA: Which means the confession was fake.
HOPE: Yes, of course it was fake. I just wanted to get to the merch.
LANA: A sound strategy, Hope. In a reality show murder mystery, the merch is the most important part.
HOPE: I do like it when everyone smiles, and making a little coin doesn’t hurt either.
CORNELIUS (consulting his manual): Rule seven: “If the beverage can reappears, the case is not concluded.”
(Everyone stares at him.)
CORNELIUS (defensive): Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t write the book.
But if you ask me, this is a classic murder mystery, golden age style. Confusing clues, a building full of suspects, and we still haven’t found the body.
POLLY: Wrong. This is a streaming murder mystery. We need a shocking twist every seven minutes to keep subscribers.
LANA: No, no. It’s obviously a reality show murder mystery. We’re already competing for merch sales instead of solving crimes.
CHAZ: If you really want a shocking twist then the most obvious suspect needs to die in a mid-season cliffhanger—probably in a parking garage.
SANDY (flat): Please. It’s less of a murder mystery and more of a HR complaint wrapped in a how to video.
(Phones buzz simultaneously. POLLY answers.)
POLLY (reading): Central Command says we’re escalating. Butt Rubin was “too easily satisfied.” They’re sending in… Lady Samantha Justice. Does anyone know who that is?
(The door slams open. Enter LADY SAMANTHA JUSTICE: trench coat, enormous teased-out ’80s hair, aviator sunglasses and it’s night time.)
SAMANTHA (dramatic): Fear not. Justice has arrived.
SANDY (under breath): So has Aqua Net.
SAMANTHA: I am Lady Samantha Justice. I have solved 400 murder mysteries, including three without corpses, two without suspects, and one without crime.
SANDY: Wow. Solve one without Wi-Fi and then maybe you’ll get a podcast deal.
HOPE (squinting at the hair): Did… did her hair just move?
(A faint spectral squeak echoes. The teased-out hair trembles. Out pokes the glowing blue eyes of ghost squirrel, COUNTESS ACORNEA.)
ACORNEA (echoing whisper): Nuts… clues… eternal… justice…
CORNELIUS (dropping his book): The Fletcher manual did not cover ghost squirrels in a murder mystery.
SAMANTHA (unfazed): Pay no attention. That’s just my… assistant.
ACORNEA (producing a glowing walnut): Behold… the nut of destiny. (Engraved: Murder Mystery Episode 6 Cliffhanger.)
POLLY: Oh my God, they’re doing teasers now?
ACORNEA (whispering): It was… the barista… in the parking lot…
SANDY (snapping): Fantastic. A murder mystery with spoilers. Exactly what we needed.
LANA (already on her phone): Ooo, that nut would look great on a hoodie.
POLLY (thrilled): This is perfect. A new expert. A supernatural sidekick. And the LaCroix can is still mocking us.
This might be the greatest murder mystery crossover event in history.
SAMANTHA (grandly): Then it’s settled. The mystery deepens. And I, Lady Samantha Justice, shall bring order to this chaos.
ACORNEA (whispering so only she can hear): And as usual, I’ll let you take the credit while I find the clues. By the way, the janitor’s mop is dripping with destiny—or maybe that’s ketchup.
SANDY (to camera, deadpan): And so the “world’s greatest murder mystery” keeps expanding—like the hair, like the merch line, like our collective inability to just go back to work.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
