UNRECOGNIZABLE: Sandy & Polly #7 – Analyze and Attack The Clickbait Crisis
The following article contains sarcasm, exaggeration, and an appropriate amount of side-eye directed at clickbait culture, aging double standards, and corporate nonsense. Viewer discretion advised if you’ve recently aged or worn sweatpants in public.
Polly: Oh my GOD, Sandy. ‘80s Pop Icon Looks Completely Unrecognizable in Rare Sighting!’ I had to click—it was my civic duty!
Sandy: Who was it this time? Tiffany in a hoodie? Cyndi Lauper wearing sunglasses indoors? Because that’s what people do, Polly.
Polly: It was Boy George! In sweatpants, sneakers, and a beanie! And he had blush on. And eyeliner. And looked fabulous.
But also—get ready—he wasn’t dressed like he was in Culture Club 1984. So of course: UNRECOGNIZABLE!
Sandy: I am beside myself with disbelief.
Polly: It gets even better! “Kylie Jenner Almost Unrecognizable As She Wears No Makeup.”
Sandy: She looks like Kylie Jenner without eyeliner. You’re right, completely unrecognizable.
Polly: Don’t forget she has her hair up too! How about this one? “Dwayne Johnson Is Unrecognizable In Latest Photos.”
Sandy: He has hair. That’s it. That’s the transformation. He grew hair for his next movie and the internet had a group panic.
Polly: I think his eyes are a lighter shade of brown too. “Frances Fisher, 73, Unrecognizable With Platinum Blonde Hair.”
Sandy: She went from red to blonde. So now she looks… like herself, but with new toner.
Polly: “Iconic Sitcom Star, 51, Unrecognizable After Glow-Up.”
Sandy: Translation: He got a haircut and started moisturizing.
Polly: “Danny Cooksey, 80s Child Star, 49, Is Unrecognizable With Beard and Long Hair.”
Sandy: He grew older. Like a human person. And became a grandfather. Apparently being alive is now shocking.
Polly: I mean… they’re not even trying anymore. Next it’ll be: ‘Lisa Kudrow Seen Wearing Hat—Unrecognizable in Public!’
Sandy: You know we should add a Clickbait Bingo segment to our show.
We could have bingo cards with words like “unrecognizable,” “jaw-dropping,” “iconic,” and “rare sighting”.
Polly: Bingo! We just got a full row with Kylie, Frances, Dwayne, and Boy George. That’s a Perfect Storm of Unrecognizable.
Sandy: They should give out awards for this. ‘Best Use of Eyeliner in a Way That Confuses Boomers.’
Polly (pitching it like it’s Shark Tank): We should start our own awards show! The Unrecognizable. Hosted by people who dared to leave the house without contouring!
Sandy: First nominee: Everyone who’s ever had the nerve to turn 63 and go to CVS.
Polly: Also—side note—management says we’re not allowed to give our real opinions anymore.
They want opinions that sell. Which means I now have to describe Sandy as…
Sandy (groaning): Wait for it…
Polly (reading a memo): …virtually unrecognizable from her middle school yearbook photo.
Sandy: Well of course I am. Back then I had bangs, braces, and an obsession with Bon Jovi.
Polly: They also want you to grow out your eyebrows and start using more neon. They say it’s trending.
Sandy: I would order a new yearbook photo to disprove this slander, but apparently the budget doesn’t cover books anymore.
Polly: Also—since it’s apparently rumor week around here… Sandy, care to comment on the Informer Underground piece claiming you and Cornelius were caught whispering by candlelight on a rooftop?
Sandy (flatly): We were whispering about oat milk inflation and whether astrology should be covered under dental. If that’s considered “strategic,” I’m flattered.
Polly: Because the article says your conversation was “weirdly flirty in a way that made my coffee taste like betrayal.”
Sandy: That may have been the oat milk. It’s shelf-stable, but emotionally volatile.
Polly: They also mentioned a scribbled napkin labeled “Phase One: Disrupt Everything.”
Sandy: Yes. Phase One: bring back decent lighting in the breakroom. Phase Two: cancel meetings that could’ve been snacks.
Polly: And the two forks, one slice of cake?
Sandy: Budget cuts. Sharing cake is the only luxury we have left.
Polly: I mean, I’m not saying you’re plotting a takeover, Sandy… but I did see you whisper “soon” into a stapler.
Sandy: And I’m not saying you wrote Informer Underground, Polly… but that Post-It on your desk that says “Sandy + Corny = Ratings Gold” feels a bit on the nose.
Polly: I swear, Sandy, the internet has two settings: “She looks amazing!” or “She’s unrecognizable!” There’s no middle ground.
Sandy (smiling): That’s because the middle ground is reality. And reality doesn’t get clicks.
Polly: Unrecognizable. That’s the word of the day. Use it whenever someone changes pants.
Sandy: Or ages like a normal human. Which, by the way, is still legal.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
