Ah, it’s that magical time of year again. The air gets cooler, the leaves begin to turn, and I get the privilege — nay, the honor — of shelling out my hard-earned money for multiple streaming services just so I can finally watch my favorite NFL teams play. What a thrill! Nothing gets me more excited for football season than knowing I’ll be juggling passwords, apps, and overpriced subscription fees. Yay, sports!
You see, watching a game on regular cable or broadcast TV is so last decade. Who wants the simplicity of flipping on the TV, grabbing a cold drink, and catching the game? No, no. These days, I get to pay for a variety of streaming platforms, each with a fraction of the games I want to watch, because that’s the new American pastime — collecting streaming services like they’re Pokémon cards.
Geez, there’s got to be a better way, right?
I mean, here I am, dumping money into streaming services I don’t even like, just so I can catch some of the games. Maybe I should start selling an organ or two to afford this modern “convenience.” But, wait a minute! What if, instead of feeding into this madness, we came up with a better idea?
The Anti-Pay-for-Sports Party!
Yes, that’s right, it’s time to rebel against the stranglehold of overpriced subscriptions and blackouts by having our own football viewing experience—minus the costly streaming nonsense. We’ll laugh in the face of streaming giants, and celebrate football our way.
Step 1: Invite Friends, Not Monthly Charges
Instead of wasting your money on services you don’t even want, invite your friends over and pool your creativity. After all, who needs to watch a real game when you can just pretend you’re on the field yourself, yelling at your buddy for messing up the play in your card game?
If you really want, you can even record the whole thing and sell it back to streaming services! They would probably charge $9.99 a month for it.
Step 2: Snacks and Drinks That Stick it to the System
We’ll have drinks like the “Blackout Brew” (it’s free because no one can see the game anyway!) and “Password Punch” (every time your friend forgets their streaming login, you take a sip). We’ve got everything from “Buffering Margaritas” to “No Network Necessary Nectar.” The only thing you’ll be missing is the insane bill at the end of the month.
Don’t forget about budget-conscious munchies like “Cut the Cord Nachos” (because cable is so outdated) and “No Subscription Salsa” (spicy enough to melt those hidden fees right off your screen).
Step 3: Football Without the Football
Now, for the real highlight of the Anti-Pay-for-Sports Party: our own DIY football card game. Who needs to watch the game when we can play it ourselves! It’s cheap, it’s fun, and best of all, you don’t need a dozen subscriptions to make it happen. Just an ordinary deck of playing cards.
Football Card Game
Using a Standard 52-Card Deck (Plus Jokers)
Objective:
Score points by stringing together successful plays to sustain the drive and choosing whether to go for field goals or touchdowns, using a combination of offensive and defensive plays represented by cards.
Setup:
- Shuffle the 54 cards (52 standard cards + 2 jokers) and deal 12 cards face down to the side; these cards will not be used in this hand. Each hand represents one quarter of a football game.
- Each player is dealt 7 cards to start the game. The remaining deck is the draw pile.
- Spades represent offensive run plays.
- Clubs represent offensive pass plays.
- Hearts represent defense designed to stop the run.
- Diamonds represent defense designed to stop the pass.
- Jokers are turnover cards.
Game Play:
- The non-dealer goes first, playing either a Spade (run) or a Club (pass).
- The opposing player must play the corresponding defensive card:
For a Spade (run play), play a Heart of equal or higher value.
For a Club (pass play), play a Diamond of equal or higher value.
(After each card is played the player draws a card from the draw pile, the offense draws first, to maintain a hand of 7 cards.)
- If the defensive card is lower than the offensive card, or if the player on defense does not have the appropriate suit to stop the run or pass then the defensive player must still play a card and the offense is successful (aka: a first down), and the drive continues.
- The offensive player must string together four first downs in a row to score a touchdown (6 points).
After two successful plays/first downs in a row, the offense can elect to kick a field goal (3 points) instead of continuing toward a touchdown.
Scoring Options:
Field Goal: After achieving two successful plays/first downs in a row, the offensive player may choose to kick a field goal worth 3 points. This ends the possession, and the other player begins on offense.
Touchdown: If the offensive player achieves four first downs in a row, they score a touchdown worth 6 points. After scoring a touchdown the offensive player can elect to just accept an automatic extra point for a total of 7 points or they can elect to attempt a two-point conversion.
Two-Point Conversion: After a touchdown, the offense can attempt a two-point conversion by playing one additional card. The defense gets a +2 bonus to their card value on this play to stop the conversion.
If the offense elects to continue after 2 successful plays/first downs and then is unsuccessful on either the Third or Fourth play NO POINTS are scored and possession goes to the other player.
Turnover:
If the defense plays a card of equal or higher value than the offensive card, the play is unsuccessful, and possession changes to the opposing player.
If the defense plays a Joker, the offense immediately loses possession, regardless of the offensive card played. A Joker acts as an automatic turnover.
Special Cards/Rules:
The Jack as a Universal Stopper: The defense can use a Jack to stop any offensive play regardless of its value, but it must match the corresponding suit (Hearts for Spades, Diamonds for Clubs). The Jack is played after the offense plays their card.
The Queen as an Explosive Play: After achieving two successful plays/first downs the offensive player can play a Queen (of either Spades or Clubs) as an Explosive Play. If the defense fails to stop the Queen (using a Joker or the Jack or higher of the correct suit Hearts for Spades, Diamonds for Clubs), it results in an immediate touchdown after only three successful plays/first downs instead of four.
Two-Point Conversion: After scoring a touchdown, the offensive player may attempt a two-point conversion. The defense gets a +2 bonus to their card during this play. For example, if the offense plays a 10 of Spades, and the defense plays an 8 of Hearts, the defensive card is boosted to 10, and the conversion is stopped.
No Offense Cards: If the player on offense runs out of offense cards (Spades or Clubs) they can no longer sustain the drive. They must play one of the red cards in their hand to signify a punt and the defensive player must also play a card from their hand. It would be best if each player used a lower value card to complete the punt.
Poor Defense: If the player on defense does not have a high enough value appropriate defense card to stop the drive they are not required to play a defense card. They can choose to play a low value card, offense or defense, and save their higher value cards for another play.
End of a Quarter:
Once the draw pile is empty and both players have exhausted their hands, the quarter ends, and a new hand (quarter) begins.
If the offensive player has begun a successful drive at the end of the first or third quarter that drive will continue where it left off to begin the second or fourth quarter.
Example: The offensive player has had two successful plays/first downs to end the first quarter. All of the cards are gathered up, shuffled and dealt, the same way that you did to begin the game, and the second quarter begins with the offensive player given the option of whether or not they wish to kick a field goal or try to continue their drive toward a touchdown.
Winning:
The player with the most points at the end of four quarters (or an extra quarter for overtime if necessary) wins the game.
Example of Play:
- Offensive player plays a 9 of Spades (run play).
- Defensive player has an 8 of Hearts (run defense) but plays a 2 of Clubs to save the 8 of hearts. This is a successful play/first down.
- Offensive player then plays a 7 of Spades (run play).
- Defensive player plays the 8 of Hearts (run defense). Since 8 is higher than 7, the defense successfully stops the play, and possession switches.
So while the rest of the world is glued to their screens and draining their wallets, we’ll be enjoying the real game—friendship, laughter, and not paying a dime for streaming!