You Can Always Hire Half The Poor Episode 1: “Loyal Relatives, Reliable Rations & Passionate Rage”
Satire Disclaimer
The following is a work of satire meant to parody class warfare, algorithmic manipulation, and the weaponization of reality TV logic in real-world economics.
If at any point you thought that the fat cats should go on a diet or you found yourself sympathizing with a fictional character more than your neighbor struggling in real life.
That’s the point.
INFORMER.DIGITAL – THE BREAK ROOM
A folding table trembles under the weight of broken Keurig pods, crusted hummus tubs, and a single banana with a Post-it note that says “DO NOT CLAIM THIS IS A GIFT FROM HR.”
On one side of the room: The Cashdardians.
Matching faux-silk tracksuits. Ring lights on tripods. Hustle quotes tattooed in cursive on their reusable water bottles.
On the other: The Brokelorettes.
Messy buns, half-zipped hoodies, and thousand-yard stares that have seen too many side hustles and zero dental coverage.
They’re mid-screaming match.
CASHDARDIAN #1: If you’d stop blaming the algorithm and start branding yourself, maybe you wouldn’t be stuck with expired baby carrots and an attitude problem!
BROKELORETTE #2: If I had your brand deals, I wouldn’t need carrots! I’d eat aspirational yogurt and post about resilience like you people do!
A Brokelorette hurls a used planner like a discus. A Cashdardian deflects it with a self-help book titled Manifesting a Six-Figure Mindset (While Crying in the Supply Closet).
The shouting escalates until—
BANG! The break room door flies open.
Enter KEPLER VALE (disheveled brilliance) and INDIGO KANE (feral intensity), carrying charts, tortilla graphs, and a portable conspiracy board made from a discarded whiteboard and duct tape.
KEPLER: Stop! Just stop! You’re fighting over the last granola bar while the Suits upstairs are feeding caviar to their AI!
INDIGO: You think this is about your raise? Your rent? Your sad little sandwich? The algorithm wants you like this—divided, dramatic, disposable!
They slap a tortilla on the table. It’s covered in smeared marker and connected dots that spell:
> “POOR v. POOR = PROFIT”
Everyone stares.
CASHDARDIAN #3: Is that… gluten?
BROKELORETTE #1: I can’t afford to digest that. It feels privileged.
KEPLER (waving arms): Don’t you get it? They convinced you she was the reason your promotion got ghosted. They convinced you that he is why your benefits got slashed. Because they are sure you can always hire half the poor.
INDIGO: But it was Central Command the whole time! With their freeze-dried empathy packets and algorithmically enhanced oppression filters!
CASHDARDIAN #2: Wait… are you saying the algorithm has a class bias?
BROKELORETTE #3: You mean this whole “us vs. them” thing was scripted?
KEPLER: YES! You’re both poor. You’re both being played. You can always hire half the poor. The whole narrative is designed to keep you hating each other instead of—
[LOUD BUZZER SOUND]
An intercom clicks on overhead.
> CENTRAL COMMAND (V.O.): Please report to Studio C for the live taping of Poverty Royale: Cashdardians vs. Brokelorettes – Battle of the Brands.
Snacks will be algorithmically assigned based on perceived personal effort.
Everyone screams and rushes out the door, trampling the tortilla chart.
INDIGO (staring blankly): They’re lost in the content loop.
KEPLER (picking up torn tortilla): It’s okay. We’ll make more charts. We have enough tortillas for a revolution.
Cue theme music: a haunting remix of a generic inspirational instrumental interrupted by ad jingles and passive-aggressive HR memos.
ACT I – POVERTY ROYALE: THE TAPING
STUDIO C – FAKE SOUNDSTAGE THAT USED TO BE HR’S OFFICE
Two ring lights glare over a cardboard set labeled:
> POVERTY ROYALE: The Cashdardians vs. The Brokelorettes
The audience is made entirely of unpaid interns and AI-generated enthusiasm loops.
GAME HOST (AN INFLUENCER AVATAR): Welcome back to Poverty Royale, the only show where working-class conflict becomes content!
Today’s challenge: “Branding for Rations!” The winning team gets the remaining oat milk!
The Cashdardians pose in coordinated activewear under a banner that reads:
> “You can always hire half the poor—to curate your oppression tastefully.”
The Brokelorettes clutch dented thermoses and mutter about dignity.
Kepler and Indigo sneak into the wings.
KEPLER: They’ve turned poverty into prestige TV.
INDIGO: And no one’s getting syndication royalties.
GAME HOST: Contestants, please answer this next question:
> Who is responsible for your economic suffering?
The Brokelorettes buzz in first.
BROKELORETTE TEAM CAPTAIN: The Cashdardians. They stole the algorithm’s empathy filter!
CASHDARDIAN TEAM CAPTAIN: Excuse me? We’re just better at leveraging lack of opportunity!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): You can always hire half the poor to throw ring lights at the other half. Coming up: Oat milk jousting!
FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK
NARRATOR (V.O.): Tired of questioning the system? Introducing BLAMEBITES™, the only snack designed to redirect anger toward your peers!
Available in passive-aggressive peanut butter
Judgmental jalapeño
And extra-bitter bureaucratic banana
BLAMEBITES™ – You can always hire half the poor to sell snacks to the other half.
ACT II – BACKSTAGE TRUTH & ALGORITHM GLITCH
BACK HALLWAY – BEHIND STUDIO C
Kepler unrolls a new tortilla chart. Indigo lights sage out of desperation.
KEPLER: This algorithm isn’t broken—it’s optimized for division. It knows you can always hire half the poor to blame the other half. The more you fight, the more it feeds.
INDIGO: It’s not just AI. It’s ancient algorithmic cruelty, digitized, monetized, and branded as relatable dysfunction.
Suddenly, the lights flicker.
CENTRAL COMMAND (V.O.): Warning: Unauthorized class solidarity detected. Recalibrating resentment parameters.
GLITCHY VOICEOVER (V.O.): You can always hire half the poor… poor… poor…
KEPLER: It’s destabilizing. If both sides stop fighting, the whole simulation crashes!
INDIGO: Good. Let it crash.
ACT III – THE RESET
Back onstage, the contestants freeze. The ring lights shatter. A lone Brokelorette looks up and whispers:
BROKELORETTE: Wait. You can always hire half the poor? What if we’re not the villains?
CASHDARDIAN: What if… we’ve been fighting the wrong war?
CENTRAL COMMAND (V.O.): Engagement dropping. Inject new content. Deploy emergency guest expert.
A trapdoor opens. A glamorous, AI-generated financial guru rises on a platform.
GURU: Hi, I’m Sage Monetization, and I’m here to teach you how to turn your shared trauma into branded content! Lesson one: You can always hire half the poor to run your affiliate links!
The crowd cheers. Unity dies.
CLOSING SCENE – PARKING LOT, POST-SHOOT
Kepler and Indigo sit on a curb, exhausted. A tortilla lies between them, unread.
INDIGO: We warned them.
KEPLER: They clapped anyway.
INDIGO (softly): You can always hire half the poor to sell out the revolution.
KEPLER: And you can always hire half the poor to livestream it for tips.
Cue outro music: a lo-fi remix of “Solidarity Forever” remixed with ad jingles and algorithmic applause.
> If at any point during this episode you laughed, cringed, or realized you’ve blamed someone just as broke as you—Just remember:
You can always hire half the poor…
But it takes a full algorithm to keep them fighting.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
