Rumor Has It! Informer Underground 1: The Dramatic Rooftop Drinks Incident – The Shocking Truth!
This column is satire, rumor, and speculation — perfect for fueling office drama but terrible for citing in HR complaints. Reader discretion advised. Tinfoil hats optional but encouraged. Sources not verified, but we definitely heard them somewhere.
If these cubicles could talk… oh wait, they do.
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Rumor of the Week: Whispered Words & Rooftop Rendezvous
Spotted: Cornelius “Corny Baby” Hawthorne and Slow Burn Sandy — twice at the Corner Café, and once at The Rooftop Bar, whispering like it was prom night and they were planning a coup over candlelight.
Are they plotting something? Or are they just emotionally bonded over a shared hatred of non-dairy creamer?
Sources close to the situation say the conversations were “intense,” “strategic,” and in one case, “weirdly flirty in a way that made my coffee taste like betrayal.”
The rumor mill is spinning like Polly in a panic spiral. Some say Sandy and Cornelius are just longtime colleagues catching up. Others claim they’re the masterminds behind the slow-burn hostile takeover of Informer.Digital.
But one juicy rumor suggests this might not be their first “strategy session” — apparently, a janitor found a scribbled napkin plan labeled “Phase One: Disrupt Everything.”
Another unconfirmed rumor?
They’re trying to devalue Informer.Digital just enough to buy it themselves… with coupons.
Either way:
Suspicious.
Very.
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Overheard in the Breakroom:
> “If they cut the snack budget one more time, I’m switching sides in the coup.”
– someone holding a granola bar and a grudge
> “Cornelius and Sandy are definitely scheming — I saw them with a single piece of cake and two forks.”
– overheard near the copy machine
> “The only real conspiracy is how we’ve had three shows about astrology and not one free Scorpio mug.”
– probably Rex, allegedly
> “I don’t start rumors. I just spread them like cream cheese on a broken bagel.”
– intern, unidentified
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Conspiracy Corner: Who’s Behind Informer Underground?
Now for the real mystery: who’s writing this column?
Some possibilities whispered through the vents, Slack messages, and one particularly dramatic Post-It:
The unpaid intern, finally striking back with keyboard vengeance and Wi-Fi borrowed from Polly’s hotspot.
Wacky Benny, using this as a side hustle to fund his rumor-fueled research into donut-based surveillance.
Nelly the Wanderer, who “travels” the world but always seems to know who cried in the stairwell last Thursday.
Pop Culture Polly’s therapist, who might be violating every ethical rule, but wow, what a newsletter.
Or… and this is the newest and most unsettling theory… Al the Algorithm, our friendly office AI, compiling rumors based on trending keywords like “budget betrayal,” “mood lighting,” and “Jack Maverick emotional spiral.”
Of course, it’s possible that the author is none of the above.
Maybe it’s someone so deeply embedded they’ve already deleted their own name from the employee directory.
But the juiciest rumor of all?
What if multiple people are in on it?
Gasp.
Insert dramatic thunderclap here.
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Office Relationship Tracker:
Sandy & Cornelius – Plotting a rebellion, rekindling a spark, or just sharing coupons? The rumor landscape says: yes.
Gracie & Rex – “Just friends” sharing rooftop drinks under the stars? Please. That’s not how friends sip.
Jack – Seen brooding by the window like a noir detective. Is he heartbroken, suspicious, or trying to write poetry again? Rumor has it… all three.
Polly – Still hiding under tables. Possibly for dramatic effect. Possibly for snacks. Possibly because she started the “Sandy & Cornelius” rumor herself. Who’s to say?
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Teaser for Next Week:
> Someone’s been making late-night printer runs and “accidentally” left behind a heavily redacted document labeled “Phase 2: Devalue, Divide, Dominate.”
A prank?
A leak?
Marketing copy from our mysterious new investors?
Rumor has it, this rabbit hole goes much deeper than budget cuts and missing donuts.
Mike worked in the radio industry for 35 years which means sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek, satirical, trash talking characters to remind you laughter is good for the soul! Let’s have some fun with entertainment, movies and TV, sports, budget food and games, lifestyle and we’ll get ridiculous.
